Ragna's Apartment
by Rising Lorn
Summary: Welcome to Ragna's apartment life, another possibility of THE CONTINUUM SHIFT. Lemons! Lemons EVERYWHERE! Ragna/Noel/Nu/Lambda. Characters are OOC in many respects.
1. Day 1: Nu's Story

**Author's Note:** **Two things to say really; one, I hope my friend gets around to drawing this and **_**many**_** other ideas he and I have come up with soon, and two, because no one else has thought to do this yet, and that's just terrible. This'll be updated infrequently; mainly whenever the mood takes me. I think I'll go with mild hentai physics for the love scenes, although I typically prefer not to since so much of it so unreasonable.**

_Ragna's Apartment: Day 1_

Ragna coughed and tasted blood in his mouth. His stomach was on fire and the strength was fading from his limbs. Tightly wrapped around his midsection were the arms of Nu, a look of pure delight on her face. "Now we can be together forever Ragna," she said joyously. She looked up at him and pressed her mouth against his.

Ragna broke free of her kiss and screamed, "Shit! Shit! SHIT!" He twisted his head around and saw the fires of the Cauldron growing ever closer. Instinctively he closed his eyes; he felt Nu's head nuzzle against his chest and let out a contented sigh. "God damn it!"

With a jolt he sat, bolt upright, in his bed, panting heavily. He looked around the room; clutter and clothing littered the room. Next to this bed rested his sword, leaning against the nightstand. He clutched at his chest, still breathing heavily. "That fucking dream again," he breathed, "Each time it gets more vivid. I don't like what that might imply." He slumped back onto his pillow and rubbed the heel of his hands into his eyes. "Ugh. I better go back to bed," he muttered. He looked blearily at the clock next to his bed. It was nine forty-two. "Ugh. Maybe not," he said angrily, "Can't believe it's already morning." He rolled over and defiantly closed his eyes. Then, he tore them open so quickly he felt his eyes might pop out of his head. Asleep, next to him, looking peaceful and content, was Nu. Ragna screamed in a way a man probably shouldn't. Nu slowly opened her eyes and looked, unfocused at Ragna. She sat up and rubbed her eye sleepily.

With a content smile, she flopped over onto Ragna and gave him a hug. "Morning Ragna," she said cheerily.

"N-Nu! What the hell are you doing here?" he asked, confusion and fright battling for dominance in his mind.

Nu sat up again and looked at Ragna, a look of slight confusion on her face. "I live here," she said simply, "I moved in yesterday. Remember?" She pointed to a smaller pile of clothing sitting next to Ragna's, to her Nox Nyctores, leaning idly against the wall, visible cracks forming around the point where it leaned before holding up a small plushie of Ragna.

Ragna fell out of bed. He stood up and stared wildly at Nu, "You're fucking kidding me. Why in the name of all that is fucked up and wrong would I let you do that!"

Nu frowned a bit. "But, you let Nu move in Ragna," she said, her cheeriness evaporating slowly.

Ragna gulped. 'Please don't try to kill me. Please don't try to kill me. Please don't try to kill me,' he thought rapidly. Instead Nu looked down at the plushie she held sadly.

"Nu's been really lonely Ragna," she said sadly. Ragna felt a bizarre mix of pity and paralyzing fear. Nu clutched the plushie close to her chest.

Ragna sighed; the fear was leaving him now, replaced by the feeling he would imagine someone who pushes an old woman down a flight of stairs on accident would feel. "Alright, alright," he said, giving in, "You can stay. I must be crazy, and I have no idea what I was on last night to let you live here, but you can stay. Just don't…try to kill me or stab me or something like that okay?" Nu smiled at Ragna and nodded. He sat tentatively down on the edge of the bed again and asked, "Why are you living here anyway?"

Nu blinked. "Nu was lonely," she said simply. Ragna rubbed his face with his hand.

"Thanks, that really…sets things straight," he said awkwardly. Nu smiled. Ragna turned to face his closet and rubbed his eyes again. 'Today,' he thought, 'Is going to be fucking wei- What the hell?"

Nu had crawled over and hugged Ragna from behind. She rubbed her cheek against him and let out a contented sigh. "Can Ragna and Nu finish today?" she asked.

Ragna had no idea what she was talking about. "Nu," he asked still staring at his closet, "What are you talking about?" He paused. "Uh…we weren't fighting yesterday were we?"

Nu laughed. "Don't be silly Ragna," she said happily. Ragna felt another wave of relief wash over him.

"That's good because I thought…" he began, but was interrupted by being pulled back down onto the bed. Nu pressed her lips hungrily against his and slid her tongue into his mouth. Ragna felt his eyes go wide. He broke away and scrambled to feet. He wheeled around and stared, eyes full of confusion at Nu. "Wh-what the hell were we doing last night?" Nu smiled at Ragna; it was the kind of smile that made shivers run down his spine. "O-oh God," he stuttered, "N-no way."

Nu got up off the bed. She was wearing one of Ragna's shirts; it was overlarge and fit her much in the same way Noel's outfit fit her. She pulled off the shirt, confirming to Ragna, that she was indeed totally naked underneath. Her pale body shone somewhat in the relative darkness of Ragna's room.

Ragna stared at Nu, his mouth agape, making noises he imagined a fish out of water would make. There was a short, awkward silence, and then, in an instant, Nu was upon him. He felt himself crash onto the floor. He tried to push Nu off of him; that failed. He tried again; he failed again. At last, he contented himself with just flailing his arms in the air. Nu seemed to neither notice nor care. Eventually, Ragna just let his arms fall uselessly next to him, splayed out across the floor. Nu's hair had twisted and fanned itself out across the two of them, and he was becoming increasingly aware of her breasts pressing against his chest. Suddenly, Nu broke away from his lips for a moment and whispered, "What's wrong Ragna? You were much more interested in this last night."

Ragna stared at Nu. "I can't even remember last night," he said quietly.

Nu's eye went wide. "You don't?" she gasped, "Nu will make you remember." She slid down and tugged off Ragna's boxers.

"WHOA, WHOA!" yelled Ragna, grabbing Nu's head. She looked innocently up at him. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

Nu continued to stare innocently at Ragna. "Ragna isn't ready yet," she said softly, "Nu will help." She looked down again and gently licked Ragna's flaccid member. Ragna felt another shiver run down his spine. He stared, feeling quite helpless at Nu as she continued to lick and suck him to full height. Nothing in his body seemed to want to work. Slowly, he felt himself becoming bizarrely aroused by what was happening, a feeling that only grew as Nu stopped licking the tip of his member and her dropped mouth down around it. She bobbed her head up and down with increasing speed. She paused for a moment, running her tongue around the head before resuming. With her left hand, she grabbed his shaft and moved it in rhythm with her mouth; using her right hand, she slid a finger into her own moist womanhood and slid it in and out. Ragna felt himself compelled to reach out, and so he did, placing his hand on the back of Nu's head and moving it up and down in time to her sucking. She came to a stop after a few minutes and sat up on her knees. She idly contemplated her fingers before sucking on them softly. Ragna felt his feeling of arousal deepen and strengthen. "Ragna is ready now," said Nu, her voice almost inaudible. She gave a small sigh of contentment and perched herself atop him before sliding her opening down over him, enveloping him on every side. She let out a long moan of pleasure and began to slide up and down on him.

Ragna looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes. His arms seemed to work again and they chose to raise themselves to his hands could clamp to Nu's hips. Every time Nu slid down, he gave a small grunt. Slowly, her bouncing increased in frequency, and soon, the two were going full pelt. Nu's moans continued to punctuate the air, and she soon bent over Ragna, her arms on his shoulders, moaning softly into his ear. Ragna placed a hand above her tailbone and began pushing down with increasing force; in his ears, Nu's moans began to rise in pitch and frequency. He felt something welling in his groin and with his free hand instinctively pressed Nu's head to his neck; she took this opportunity to gently suck on his neck, her moans now muffled. "Nu," he panted, "Nu, I'm gonna…" He felt himself climax inside her, his hand pressing her abdomen hard down upon him; all around his member, he felt her walls tightening and tugging upward slightly. He groaned loudly; in his ear Nu gave a loud, lustful moan. She collapsed, her light frame lying limp on Ragna's body, her breathing fast, soft panting tickling his ear.

Nu moved her head from Ragna's neck, a bright ring now visible on his neck and pressed her lips against him. Ragna did not struggle this time. The pair kissed passionately for a while before Nu slowly slid herself off of Ragna's now limp member; a mixture of semen and fluid dripped out slowly. Perhaps it was the sex high, but Ragna didn't mind quite as much as he would have had his mind been more clear. He got to his feet with Nu and scratched the back of his head. "So that's what happened last night," he said sheepishly.

Nu shook her head. "No Ragna," she said, her eyes widening innocently, "Nu wanted Ragna to do that, but you fell asleep." She hugged him with a squeal of happiness. "Nu and Ragna became one this time though," she said blissfully. Ragna felt somewhat embarrassed. Privately, he preferred this method of 'merging' much more to be impaled and dropped into the fires of hell, though he felt that expressing this would lead to rather…tiring consequences.

"If you don't mind, I'm going to go shower Nu," said Ragna, his head clearing and becoming increasingly bothered by the general mess his groin was in. Nu jumped on his back and crossed her legs around his midsection.

"Nu will join you then," she said happily.

Ragna sighed. "Fine," he said, opening the door to his room. He walked out into the living room and made straight for the door to the bathroom when an emotionless voice drifted from the couch in front of the television.

"Analyzing…Good morning Ragna. Good morning Nu," said the voice. Ragna almost tripped. He stared at the couch, and soon the head and shoulders of Lambda rose up; apart from having no eyepatch and different skin tone and hair color, she looked identical to Nu. Ragna twisted his head to look at Nu who still had a cheery expression on her face.

"Why exactly did we stop last night Nu?" he asked, almost scared to know the answer.

"Well, Lambda said that Ragna should rest. Nu didn't agree," she said matter-of-factly, "Ragna has much more energy than anyone else does."

Ragna stared over at Lambda. "But…you're…different…you're…" he spluttered. He clutched the sides of his head. "NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!" A knock came from the front door.

"You should get that Ragna," said Lambda, her voice the same monotone, "And you owe me; I heard you and Nu quite clearly." Ragna almost tripped as he made for the door.

He swung the door open and shouted, "What! What do you want? I'm in the middle of the weirdest fucking dilemma eve…" He stopped midsentence. It was Noel, holding a few bags of what appeared to be groceries.

"Uh, sorry Ragna," she said timidly, "I didn't know you were having a bad morning."

Ragna stared at Noel; he felt his knees might give. "You live here too don't you?" he said morosely.

Noel blushed. "Um, yes, I do. I moved in with Nu and Lambda yesterday."

"WHYYYYYYYYYY?" shouted Ragna, throwing his arms into the air.

It was going to be a long, long day.


	2. Day 1: Lambda's Feelings

**Author's Note: Hey! Glad to hear some of you out there are enjoying the fanfic! The subject material is easy to work with, so here is another chapter, a bit sooner than I anticipated while I concern myself with finishing Magnificent Crescendo and continuing with To. Please note, I'm still keeping in with the humorous nature of this general story, but this chapter might be a tad more on the melancholy side since it deals with Lambda, who in general is a more melancholy character. The lemon will reflect this. Cookie to you if you can correctly categorize all three lemons as they apply to each girl (when Noel's lemon is done being written anyway.)**

_Ragna's Apartment: Day 1 (cont.)_

Ragna stared glumly at a slowly blackening pancake, smoke lifting off its charred surface and swirling around his nose, leaving a strong, acrid smell in the air. He absently flipped the pancake for the sixth or seventh time; behind him, Nu, Lambda and Noel were quietly eating. Nu noticed a visible haze of black smoke billowing out from in front of Ragna and said tentatively, "Um, Ragna? Why are the pancakes burning?"

Ragna snapped out of his daze and threw the pancake into the trash before spooning a fresh one onto the griddle. He said hollowly, "Because I've lost all control of my life."

Nu frowned a bit and continued to eat her pancakes. Lambda finished and began rinsing off her plate before turning to Ragna and softly pushing him out of the way. "Go eat," she said monotonously, "I'll finish making them." Ragna looked dazedly at Lambda, gave a small nod and sat down. He soon found his current state of mind too distracted for eating pancakes; he put half a bottle of syrup on his pancakes, kept dropping the piece he cut onto the floor and eventually managed to cut through the pancakes, through his plate and partially into the table. A mess of syrup, destroyed pancakes and wood shavings now littering the floor and his body, he resigned himself to clumsily drinking a glass of orange juice before standing up and muttering about showering.

Noel called out, rather awkwardly, "D-do you need any help?"

Ragna walked face first into the door and turned around slowly. With an air of deliberation, Ragna said, "Help? Yes, but not showering. Maybe a shrink. A shrink would be really nice actually." He turned around and went into bathroom. The click of a lock turning was heard and the apartment became quiet once again.

Nu finished eating and went into the living room to watch television while Noel decided to help Lambda wash dishes.

Ragna came out of the shower a half hour or so later, towel wrapped around his waist and walked into his room. Noel seemed to have contented herself with a pen and paper, no doubt thinking of a new poem and continued to shiftily glace around the room in hopes that no one noticed what she was doing. Nu was merrily watching television and turned her head to give Ragna a radiant smile before resuming. Lambda, on the other hand was sitting at a small desk, a box in front of her, idly fiddling with what appeared to be leaves. She turned her head in time to see Ragna staring at her; blushing she quickly looked back into the box she was fiddling with. Ragna walked over behind Lambda and peered into the box; it was filled with a variety of slugs. Ragna cocked an eyebrow. "Uhh, Lambda? Why do you have a _box_ full of _slugs?_" he asked, puzzled. The shower seemed to have brought him to some sort of crushing realization that yes; these three girls were living with him, because his voice had returned to its usual perpetually annoyed state.

Lambda blushed again and said, the faintest trace of timidity in her voice, "I…collect them."

Ragna scratched the back of his head. "Uh, right," he said, slightly off-put, "Why?"

Lambda turned back to the box and idly poked one of the slugs; it squirmed in a way that only Lambda seemed to interpret as joy. "I just…like them," she said softly. As odd a hobby as this was, Ragna couldn't help but feel it was rather cute. Perhaps Lambda's cold exterior made any hints at emotion all that more magnified.

Nonetheless, Ragna remained as tactless as ever and said snidely, "Isn't that kind of weird though, Lambda?"

Lambda inclined her head somewhat; she stopped fiddling with the slug. "Apology routine initiated," she said, sadness beginning to fill out her voice, "Sorry Ragna…"

With these words, Ragna, for the second time this morning, felt like a monumental dick. He felt even more so when he noticed Lambda was rather teary-eyed. 'For the love of…Is everyone in this house that emotional?' he thought exasperatedly. "Look, uh…Lambda…sorry," he said with some difficulty, "I didn't mean to insult your…slug collection…or your hobbies. If you like that then it's perfectly fine." He managed an awkward smile.

Lambda turned her head away from him, blushing again, though this time, her face was painted with rather embarrassed affection. "Apology accepted…Ragna," she said quietly.

"Uh, right," he said, somewhat awkwardly, "Well, I'm gonna get dressed and…take a walk to clear my head." He went into his room, this time noticing that Lambda's massive sword-armor was sitting next to Nu's. On the other bed stand lay Noel's own Nox Nyctores. Ragna looked about the room. Nu's clothing was for the most part, in a small pile, but there were random articles of clothing littered about here and there, mostly panties. He moved aside his sword and opened the bed stand drawer; instead of finding his boxers, he instead found meticulously folded undergarments: they belonged to Lambda. Sighing, he opened the drawer the underneath and found that his boxers had been moved there, and so had some of Nu's panties. Ragna rubbed his face. "For the love of..." he muttered. He snatched a pair out and began to dress; at this moment, Lambda came inside, and blushed a brilliant scarlet at Ragna's naked form. "FOR THE LOVE OF…" shouted Ragna. He stopped himself and sighed. "What is it Lambda?" he asked, resigned.

"I need to get dressed also," she said quietly. She walked over to his closet and opened it; Ragna owned precious little clothing; the rest of the closet was filled with the same outfit Noel wore daily. Towards the end of the closet were Lambda's one-piece suit and, bizarrely, a few summer dresses. She pulled out the dress and walked over to a small dressing screen. She unfolded it and walked behind it.

Irritated, Ragna called out, "So there's no problem with you seeing me naked, huh?" Lambda peeked out from behind the screen, an apologetic look on her face. She slid the screen aside and looked away from Ragna blushing; she was totally nude.

"Is this fine, Ragna?" she asked shyly. She shifted idly where stood, not daring to make eye contact with Ragna. Now it was Ragna's turn to blush; she looked almost exactly like Nu, but had much more tanned skin. The overall effect was quite pleasant.

Not wishing to give away these feelings, Ragna turned abruptly around and pulled his jacket out of the closet. "You can get dressed behind the screen," he said, "I was just…making a point." Lambda pulled the screen out again and got dressed. Ragna adjusted the collar to his jacket and picked up his sword, locking it onto his back. He made for the door when the screen pulled aside again and Lambda called out, "Query."

Ragna turned his head towards Lambda. She was wearing a simple yellow dress and was blushing softly. "What?" he said, although he figured he knew what she was going to ask.

"Can I accompany you?" she asked apprehensively. She bit her bottom lip and stared intently at Ragna; she was almost scared to hear the answer. The effect was tremendous; not only did Ragna find this incredibly cute, but he also felt like a magnificent douche without having said anything negative. Nevertheless, he reluctantly nodded his head and set off to the front door of his apartment.

"I'll be out for an hour or two," he said. He opened the door and closed it behind him; he regretted this immediately.

From behind the door was Lambda's voice, which said rather monotonously, "Ouch." Ragna sighed and opened the door, pulled Lambda across the threshold and closed the door behind her. Still holding onto her hand, he pulled her down the hallway and out into the sun.

After getting out onto the main road, he let go of her hand and said simply, "Keep up, alright?" Lambda nodded and the two walked in silence. After a short walk, Ragna and Lambda had arrived at Ragna's intended destination, a forest on the edge of one of the lower levels of Kagutsuchi. He let out a low whistle and walked off towards the forest; Lambda picked up her pace to catch up.

"What are we doing out here?" she asked softly.

Ragna regarded her with interest. "I like coming out here when the whole, 'Fate has damned you to destroy the world' business gets to me," he said conversationally, "Or when really stressful shit happens."

Lambda looked at the ground and felt a twang of sadness. "I'm sorry that I'm troubling you so much," she mumbled. Ragna, once again, felt like an asshole.

"N-no," he said quickly, gesticulating wildly, "It's not that. It's not…any of you really. I'm just…I'm used to doing shit on my own, ok? It doesn't help that…" He sighed. "Look, don't feel bad, alright? I'll get used to it. Eventually. I've just had…a long time to dwell on what made me rather…I guess hot-headed is a good way to put it."

Lambda placed a hand tenderly on Ragna's cheek. "That's alright Ragna," she said softly, "Healing takes…time." Ragna was under the impression that Lambda was saying this more for herself than for him. His suspicions were confirmed when she added, "I would know."

Ragna almost instinctively embraced Lambda, clumsily patting her head. He felt her body begin to shiver somewhat. 'Oh boy…' he thought. His right shoulder began to feel moist. 'Yep. I knew it. She's crying.' Ragna stood there, in the forest clearing, holding on to Lambda, feeling markedly awkward and markedly upset. He pulled her head back and looked into her streaming eyes. "It's alright Lambda," he said apologetically. Always a man of action, he was terrible with words, and so he did what came naturally: he kissed her. It was always easier for him to just do, as opposed to say, and perhaps Lambda realized this, because that kiss meant much more to her than it might have to another. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms behind Ragna's neck as Ragna drew her closer, his arms clasping together in the small of her back. Their kissing grew fiercer, and Lambda began to make soft, muffled moans of arousal; interpreting this correctly, Ragna pushed Lambda away slightly to unzip his pants. He lifted Lambda, and holding her steady, her legs bent and clasped behind his back, slipped a throbbing erection free of his boxers. He felt around under Lambda's dress for her panties and tugged cloth that covered her groin aside.

So, for an hour, the two stood there, slowly making love in the wilderness. Lambda drew herself closer to Ragna, panting and groaning over his shoulder; whenever she opened her eyes, the forest around her seemed to be ebbing and swaying, it's rhythm keeping in time with her own bobbing. The feelings of ecstasy and happiness that welled up inside her burst spasmodically out, seemingly manifesting themselves as soft rumblings within the earth; their lovemaking seemed to distort her very reality. Lambda threw her head back and moaned loudly into the open air. "R-Ragna," she managed between gasps, "Please. Don't stop." She reached down with one hand and pulled her dress up over her breasts; she kept it in place by biting onto the fabric, which also served to muffle her groans. Ragna leaned his head forward and began softly sucking on Lambda's nipple. His thrusting grew steadily faster, until finally, he felt himself on the verge of orgasm.

"Lambda," he said, thrusting still faster, "Lambda…Lambda…Lambda Lambda Lambda!" Lambda clutched Ragna's shoulders tightly, her nails digging into the flesh. Her moans grew louder in pitch, until they reached her paramount, until she at last let loose a long moan of pure bliss. Ragna continued to thrust wildly through his orgasm, the sensation of his own seed swirling and mixing with Lambda's fluid within her. He slowly lost steam and finally withdrew from her still pulsing womanhood; the products of the lovemaking dripped softly to the ground. Lambda embraced Ragna and whispered something inaudible. "What?" asked Ragna.

"N-nothing," muttered Lambda. He could not see her silently mouthing something: I love you.

* * *

Ragna didn't say much as they walked home, and neither did Lambda, who seemed content to just hold his arm and lean her head on his shoulder. As the pair walked slowly back to his apartment, Lambda suddenly said quietly in Ragna's ear, "Can we hurry? I don't want to impose, but I'm starting to drip…"

Ragna felt his face turn very red and said shakily, "Y-yeah, that might be a good idea. In fact, that's a great idea!" He lifted up Lambda, clutched her close to her body and took off, full pelt towards his apartment. Within a few minutes, the duo had reached his front door; unlocked it and let Lambda inside. She gave him a swift peck on the lips before walking off towards the bathroom. He barely stepped across the threshold when Noel walked quickly past him and caught hold of his arm, tugging him back out again.

"What the hell? Let go of me Noel!" he said, firing up at once.

"We need more groceries!" she said testily, "We ran out!"

Ragna stared intently at Noel. "We…ran out? You just bought some! What the fuck happened to them?" he asked. Nu chose this moment to walk out of the kitchen wearing an apron and covered from head to toe in…everything it would seem.

"Ragna? Nu had a little accident…" she said sheepishly. "Nu tried to make a smoothie…but…Nu doesn't think the blender could take it."

Ragna opened and closed his mouth repeatedly, but no sound would issue forth. He resigned himself to Noel's tugging, and let himself be led away to the market.

"Can I go back to the woods?" he asked aloud. Noel cocked an eyebrow at him.

"What are you talking about?" she inquired.

"Does it even matter anymore?" muttered Ragna.


	3. Day 1: Noel's Poetry

**Author's Note: This chapter will be a bit longer, since I'm focusing a bit more on the humor this time. I hope you enjoy it. Once again, I give great thanks to my friend (with whom I collaborate on the story) for helping me flesh out what I hope will be a very humorous section at the grocery store.**

_Ragna's Apartment: Day 1 (Cont. Cont.)_

Ragna walked idly behind Noel into the grocery store. He had given up on protesting anything in his life ever again. It just wasn't worth it anymore. Nu lived with him, and he fucked her. Lambda lived with him, and he fucked her too. As soon as they finished shopping, he and Noel would go home, and lo and behold, he was going to fuck her too.

"Ah, Ragna," called out an infuriatingly familiar voice, "And Noel! How good to see you two." Ragna looked in the direction the voice was coming from and narrowed his eyes. It was Hazama.

"Terumi! The fuck are you doing here!" shouted Ragna, his hand hovering over the handle of his sword. It was then he noticed that Hazama was wearing a flower print apron; more to the point, he was standing behind a florist's counter. "Did you kill the florist or something?" he asked, confused.

Hazama laughed. "Oh Rags," he chuckled, "That's a knee slapper. What's the matter? A little _disarmed_ about where I work?"

Ragna cringed. "That was a fucking terrible pun," he winced. "Why the fuck are you here?"

Hazama laughed again. "I have other jobs aside from destroying this shitty planet. Like these petunias." He gestured towards the flowers. "Well, are you going to order an arrangement of just stare at me with that ugly, stupid face of yours?" he needled, "because if you aren't, that poor old crone behind you most certainly would. Oh wait, that's just Noel."

"Hey!" responded Noel defensively.

"Now, why don't you pick an arrangement, before I remove _ANOTHER_ one of your limbs!" shouted Hazama, his face twisting psychotically.

Ragna held up both of his arms and shook his sleeves back enough so that their clearly artificial nature could be seen. "What the fuck do you have left to take?" he asked. He was rather pleased to see Hazama taken aback.

"Uh, I meant something below the belt," said Hazama plainly.

"HELL'S FANG!" shouted Ragna. His fist connected with Hazama's face and sent him crashing into a pile of gardenias.

"What the hell was that about!" shouted Hazama, dusting himself off. He adjusted his hat and looked at Ragna through narrowed eyes.

"That's seeing…regular use now," muttered Ragna.

Hazama cocked an eyebrow. "What?" he asked, "Do you regularly run marathons now? Are you some kind of athlete or something?"

It was Ragna's turn to cock an eyebrow. "I thought you meant my dick," he said defensively.

Hazama recoiled. "What the hell? Why would I do that? What's _wrong_ with you?" He took this opportunity to make another jab at Ragna. "Unless...you aren't masturbating like an athlete would train for a marathon now are you?" Hazama sneered. "Your arms getting a little creaky there Rags? We sell lubricant if you need some. Then when you're done, you can go ahead and put it on your pathetic excuse for a dick. In fact, a little bottle will probably last you weeks!"

Ragna rolled his eyes. "Dick jokes Terumi? You've lost your touch," said Ragna derisively, "Besides, I'm not jerking off. I've got…" He sighed. "Quite a few options actually. Although, you've got a point about that whole moving my arms thing. They get stiff if don't use them. Maybe writing or some kind of carpentry…playing a game or something."

"Or with me," mumbled Noel. Ragna looked at her; she turned beet red.

"Huh? I didn't catch that Noel," he said, a look of confusion on his face. Noel shook her head violently.

Hazama's face split into an evil smile. "Oh, I heard it _all_ Ragna! Let me tell you what exactly what she said," he declared with malicious cheer. Noel's eyes went wide and she began to violently shake her head. Hazama put an arm around Ragna. "So, here's what she said…" he began.

"Type III!" shouted Noel.

Hazama lazily blocked the attack. "Don't interrupt girl!" he said testily. "Ouroboros!" Chains wrapped themselves around Noel. She struggled on the spot, almost lost her balance and resigned herself to looking incredibly embarrassed. "Now, with the interruption dealt with," continued Hazama, "She totally said: 'Or with me.'"

Ragna sighed. "It was inevitable," he grumbled. Hazama looked disappointed. "Can you get your arm off me?" Hazama patted Ragna on the back and jumped back behind the counter; the chains binding Noel slipped away and she contented herself with hiding, embarrassed, behind a display of pastries.

"Now!" shouted Hazama, pointing menacingly at Ragna, "What can I get you?" He gestured to the flowers about him.

"But I don't…" he began, "Oh fuck it. Three bouquets of roses."

Hazama sneered. "Three? My, my, Noel is a rather needy parasite isn't she?" He handed him the bouquets.

Ragna averted his gaze. "There's also Lambda and Nu," he said quickly.

Hazama fell into a fit of hysterics. "It's one big happy family of FAILURES! This is too much Rags! Here I thought you were only slightly fucked in the head, but nevermind! So tell me, what's it like?"

Ragna kept determinedly kept his gaze away from Hazama. "It's fine," he said coldly.

"Really? So, let me get this straight: you have no problem fucking trash, a brick or a violent ten year old?" he asked gleefully.

Ragna turned away from Hazama and began to walk away. "Fuck you Terumi. Get back to your flowers," he shouted angrily.

"Ah! Hang on there, Rags! You've got to pay still!" called Hazama. Ragna angrily stomped over to Hazama.

"FINE. What do I owe you?" he snarled.

"One hundred and forty six dollars," said Hazama, suddenly businesslike.

Ragna spluttered. "Wha-What!" he yelled incredulously.

Hazama shrugged. "I don't set the prices Ragna, the store does. Take it or leave it, I'm afraid," he continued, his tone unnervingly calm.

Ragna dropped the bouquets onto the counter. "Fuck it. It's cheaper just to wait for that rabbit to show up again and nick some from her front yard," he huffed.

Hazama doffed his hat. "Sorry sir, have a nice day," he chimed. Ragna grabbed Noel's hand and led her away, significantly more bothered by Hazama's pleasant demeanor than his psychotic one.

The two made their way into the produce section; something must upsetting must have caught Noel's eye, because he made a distinct whining noise. "I can't seem to get away from it, no matter where I turn," she mumbled sadly.

"What are you talking about?" he said, still bothered by Hazama's demeanor. Noel pointed sadly. He looked in the direction she was pointing and saw Litchi examining a cantaloupe for bruises. Hidden, rather inexpertly, behind a barrel full of grapefruits, was Bang, who seemed to be watching her. Ragna signed. "What the whole cantaloupe business?" he muttered.

Noel made an indistinct noise in her throat. "Litchi…watermelons…cantaloupes…even those grapefruits," she whined.

Ragna rubbed his face. "Look, you need to stop comparing yourself so much to other people or fruit for that matter, alright?" he said flatly, "It gets annoying and you do nothing to help your self-esteem. So stop being so weepy and _get over it."_ Noel looked on the verge of tears. Ragna sighed again, "Noel, let me put it this way: one, I don't compare myself to cucumbers. Two, who's living with me, you or Litchi?"

Noel sighed. "Alright, I'm sorry," she said drawing herself up, "I'll try." Ragna sighed again; fate seemed to be dealing him a rather even hand today, as all of his attempts to defuse awkward situations seemed to be succeeding. The two gathered the remaining groceries they needed and proceeded towards the check stands. Noel was surprised to see that Tsubaki was the cashier; her eyes had gauze taped over them. "Hey Tsubaki," she said cheerily, "How's the new job treating you?"

Tsubaki turned her head in the direction Noel's voice came from and smiled. "Yeah, this store is an equal opportunity employer," she said placidly.

Ragna made a face. "Yeah, and that means sick fucks like Terumi get to work here too," he grumbled.

Tsubaki frowned. "Well, perhaps that's true, but I'm gracious that they let me work here," she turned her head in the direction of the florist's counter, "even if it means putting up with that bastard," she finished. She continued to scan groceries, occasionally asking Noel what particular leafy green she had given her, since it was difficult to distinguish most of them. When the order was rung up, a pleasant electronic voice recited the price.

Noel squeaked. "Um, Ragna, can you pay for these?" she said apprehensively.

"What!" shouted Ragna, "How'd you pay for them last time?" Noel mumbled something indistinct about having to take a wallet with her in hand since her outfit afforded her no pockets. Ragna sighed and got out his wallet. Then, the conveyor belt exploded and out, screaming at the top of his lungs, came Jin.

"BROTHER!" he shouted psychotically, "YOU SHOP HERE TOO?"

"Nonononono, Jin! Get the fuck away from me!" stuttered Ragna, tumbling back into a rack of magazines.

"What's wrong brother?" his pupils had contracted significantly, and the effect was only making him look more insane.

With a sigh of exasperation and exhaustion, Ragna muttered back, "Jin, it's been a long day so far, and I'd really like to get out of here. Come back some other time when I actually give enough of a shit to kick your crazy ass."

"Aw, but brother," mused Jin, "I want to kill you NOW!" He suddenly noticed Noel. "And what the hell is this disgusting pile of protoplasm doing here!"

Noel responded in a hurt voice, "I'm not a pile of protoplasm!"

Hazama chose this moment (probably intentionally) to walk by and mutter to Ragna, "Come on now Rags, you can't just let your batshit brother insult your _girlfriend_ like that." Ragna punched Hazama away; he seemed not to care, and merely laughed.

"Girlfriend?" said Tsubaki and Jin simultaneously.

"Is that true Noel?" asked Tsubaki with interest.

Noel flushed a brilliant scarlet and said in a timid voice, "Kind…of?"

Ragna put his face in his palm and sighed. "Here we go…" he moaned.

"BROTHER! HOW COULD YOU!" screamed Jin; he seemed to be on the verge of a heart attack. "AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH!"

Ragna stared incredulously at Jin. "You mean trying to kill me, think about killing me, then more thinking about killing me, trying to kill me again, trying to kill me, attempted murder, ice cars, more murder and more FUCKING ICE CARS!" shouted Ragna back.

Tsubaki tried to shout over the din, "No melodrama in the check stand!"

"Fine! GAUNTLET HADES!" shouted Ragna; Jin went soaring off into the corner of the store, setting off a spectacular cacophony of crashes and bangs as various items fell to the ground and broke, bounced or otherwise.

Tsubaki sighed. "Clean up on aisle…everywhere," she droned morosely.

Thinking quickly, Ragna took his groceries, stuffed half into Noel's arms and pulled her out of the store, saying very quickly, "."

"Wait! You have to pay for the damages!" shouted Tsubaki at their retreating backs.

* * *

After they made it home, Ragna collapsed onto the couch. The day had felt like an eternity, and yet it was only four p.m. "I'm taking a nap. Right now," he said aloud. "Wake me for dinner, and _nothing_ else." Within minutes, he was asleep. When he awoke, he checked the clock above television; it was now six thirty. Dim orange-red light shone through the balcony nearby. He noticed a soft weight on his leg; it was Nu's head, who seemed to have fallen asleep next to him some time after he did. Then, he noticed another weight on his _other leg_. It was Lambda, also asleep. He sighed and got up slowly, taking care not to wake them. As he walked past the door to the balcony, he noticed Noel, standing outside, staring out. He shrugged and quietly opened the sliding door outside.

"And…and so the dew, as the cold night sets in, turns slowly to white frost, so shall that white frost…remind me forever and ever…of you," mumbled Noel.

Ragna tapped Noel on the shoulder. "The hell are you talking about? Is that a poem for Jin?" he asked.

Noel went bright red. "A-ah! That wasn't…you weren't…what are you doing out here?" she stuttered defensively.

Ragna raised an eyebrow. "I live here," he said flatly, " I can do whatever I damn well please."

Noel looked away. "No, that poem wasn't for you," said, embarrassed, "It was…um…"

Ragna leaned against the railing and stared out. "Me?" he asked calmly.

Noel gulped. "Kind…of…" she said in a small voice.

"How the hell does frost remind you of me exactly?" he asked, looking at her skeptically.

Noel blushed deeper still. "I was sort of referring to your hair. It was only a few lines out of a larger poem," she mumbled.

Ragna pulled on a lock of his hair and then looked at Noel, his face painted in a strange mixture of amusement and pity. "My hair is _silver_ Noel," he said simply, "That's pretty different from white."

Noel flapped her arms. "W-well, the lighting can make it look white!" she said defensively.

Ragna shook his head. "Whatever makes you happy, I guess," he said. He stared out again.

"Um, Ragna?" she asked quietly, "What'd you think of it?"

Ragna sighed. "Poetry isn't my cup of tea Noel," he said shortly, "I'm in no position to give any kind of feedback." Ragna turned around and made for the sliding door.

"Ragna? Before you go…" said Noel timidly. Ragna turned his head back and then turned around. He nodded. "Did it bother you that I said…" She stopped. "That I said…" She stopped again. Ragna sighed; he gestured for Noel to go on. Noel looked to be on the verge of tears. "That I said…I was your girlfriend?" She blushed a deep red. Ragna stared; he saw none of this, as her features had been cast into shadow by the brilliant sunset behind her, enveloping her in an aura of shimmering orange. He looked down at the ground, nervously tapping a spot with the tip of his boot.

He sighed, "Look, I told you already, you need to stop being so hard on yourself. It doesn't matter that you've got smaller tits than most." Noel reactively covered her chest and made a soft noise of indignation. "Or anything for that matter. You live here, and…well I obviously had a very good reason for letting you and everyone else that's here live with me, so stop acting like you're going to insult me. I don't care that you said that; it's probably your nervous and overly shy ways that lend any sort of stability to all the other crazy shit that goes on here." Noel nodded, still looking unsure and Ragna sighed again. "Look Noel, I'm bad with words, and its seems that all that's been happening to me today has tried forced me to use words in one way or another, so I'm going to go about this the same way I did with Nu and Lambda." In an instant, Ragna was upon her, his fingers between her legs and sliding softly in an out of her womanhood, her back pressed against the railing. She had scarcely begun to moan her surprise when Ragna kissed her. She wrapped her arms around him, tightly gripping onto the back of his jacket. Ragna idly thought, 'I knew she didn't wear panties.' Through closed eyes, he felt around for Noel's hat with his free hand and pulled it off her, tossing it aside.

Suddenly, Ragna felt Noel grab his arm to stop him. Her face was flushed and partially obscured by her hair. "Can we…move on?" she whispered.

Ragna smirked, a caring smirk, but a smirk nonetheless. "You're really weird, you know that? Stupid…" he teased. He spun Noel around and pushed her forward; she instinctually grasped the railing.

She turned her head to look at him. "Don't call me stupid…" she mumbled. He hiked her skirt up over her rear, unzipped his pants and entered her. For the moment, the world gave way to a tiny reality encompassing only the two of them, the sounds of grunts and moans as the only noises that broke the silence. Ragna reached forward and lightly fondled one of Noel's breasts.

Perhaps he was tired, perhaps it was her timid nature guiding him, or perhaps it was just how two naturally would make love, but everything moved at a more relaxed pace; the high moans of Nu and fast groans of Lambda did not seem to apply to Noel's method of expressing pleasure: short, successive pants. Their climax came at the end of an even rhythm; there was no sudden increase in speed, no frenzied race to orgasm, there merely was their climax. Were it not for an increase in her panting, Ragna would never have known; fortunately, Noel was apparently rather weak-kneed following sexual release, and let him know collapsing, rather painfully, down a few inches, dragging all of Ragna with her.

"What the fu- ow!" he said suddenly, snapping out the almost dream-like trance he was in, greeted instead by a sudden stagger in his gait. He pulled out quickly as Noel struggled to get to her feet again.

"S-sorry, Ragna," she stammered apologetically. Ragna sighed, picked up Noel and took her inside; it was dark now.

* * *

After showering yet again, Ragna pulled on a blank t-shirt and boxers and sat down at the dinner table. On his plate was spaghetti, marinara sauce and meatballs with odds and ends sticking out of them. He speared one with a fork and stared curiously at it. "Um, what the hell happened here?" he asked, off-put.

Nu smiled and threw her arms in the air. "Nu helped make dinner!" she pronounced proudly.

Lambda leaned over to Ragna and muttered quietly, "It was either her or Noel, and…well…" Ragna nodded. He'd take Nu's odd cooking over Noel's toxic any day.

"Don't you think Nu's meatballs are _superior_ Ragna?" asked Nu. Ragna stared back at the meatball. There seemed to be a piece of banana lodged in it.

With a chill, he ate it; it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. "Uh…yeah…" he said evasively, "Totally, um…superior."

Nu sneered gleefully at Lambda and pointed. "_Superior!_" she cheered. Ragna looked over at Lambda, confused; he felt a bit guilty to see she looked a bit depressed.

"What's the matter Lambda?" he muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

"Nu is under the impression that because she's the 13th Prime Field Device and wielder of a piece of the Azure Grimoire, she's superior to me," explained Lambda sadly. Ragna sighed and kissed the top of her head.

"Don't let her get to you," he mumbled. With a yawn, he got up and bid them all good night.

He had scarcely flopped, spread-eagled, onto his back in bed when he heard the door open. He decided to keep his eyes closed; whatever it was they needed was no concern of his. Someone on his left grabbed his arm and snuggled close to him. Then on his right. Then someone flopped onto his stomach and kissed him passionately on the lips. He opened his eyes and was greeted with an eye patch and a single, red eye. "Good night Ragna," said the three girls in unison. He felt two pairs of lips kiss either of his cheeks and the heads they belonged to resume using his arms as pillows. Nu elected to fall asleep on top of him, her head nestled on his chest. Ragna sighed for what must have been the millionth time that day. He looked about; the three of them had fallen asleep incredibly quickly.

'As weird as it all is,' he thought wryly, 'I guess they _are_ pretty cute asleep.' Smirking almost in spite of himself, he drifted off to sleep.


	4. Day 7: A Week To Adjust

**Author's Note: Hope you've been enjoying this odd little series. Chapters will be about as frequent as I can reasonably make them, and will depend heavily on how many ideas my friend and I pitch back and forth. The fic is going to take a slightly new approach to telling time; you'll notice that chapters as a whole take place on multiples of seven with regards to the day (because I can't be arsed to use "Week"). Individual events of marked importance (or hilarity) will receive amusing little asides in the form of a recall to a particular day within the week (like Day 3 for example.) In addition, I've introduced something in hopes of turning this entire fanfic into a metaphysical nightmare. Gag endings to stories that are already not true and non-canonical fiction within themselves. I apologize to everyone ever for it.**

_Ragna's Apartment: Day 7_

Ragna awoke late in the morning, as we becoming normal for him; it wasn't that he stayed up late, but rather that he went to bed drained every night, provided of course, that Nu felt like letting him sleep. He feared that as time passed, Lambda and Noel would begin to lose the inhibitions they felt towards making love. Perhaps it wasn't inhibition though; perhaps they were just polite and wanted to let Ragna sleep. Perhaps _they_ wanted to sleep. Nu, by nature, was rather loud in bed, and her groans and shouts of pleasure made sleep remarkably difficult. It also typically had the effect of turning on Lambda, Noel or both, and so for two days straight Ragna got very little sleep. Were it not for the near limitless reserve of energy he had readily available in his Azure Grimoire, he would have collapsed into a near catatonic state. He got sleepily to his feet and trudged heavily to his closet; with a yawn, he pulled on his jacket and pants and weaved blearily out of the room to the breakfast table. Nu was busy trying to peel and orange; and despite having nails, she was failing spectacularly. Try as she might, her nails seemed to keep slipping off the peel. Noel and Lambda were watching with a strange mixture of pity and condescending glee. "Morning," he yawned. Ragna walked by the three and gave a sudden jump on his way to the fridge. His eyes half-closed and dark circles prominently lining his eyes he asked sleepily, "The hell? Who pinched my ass?" Noel pointed immediately at Lambda. Lambda pointed immediately at Noel. Ragna shook his head and turned back to the fridge. "Whatever," he yawned. From the fridge, he extracted orange juice and eggs. A few minutes later, he was unenthusiastically eating scrambled eggs and drinking orange juice. He turned to look at Nu, who was still spectacularly failing to peel her orange. Ragna rubbed his face and reached for the orange. Nu shook her head and twisted her body and orange away.

"Nu can do it!" she said huffily.

"Nu, how long have you been trying to open that orange?" he asked.

Nu stopped trying to peel the orange and stared meaningfully at nothing in particular. "Um…only a few minutes Ragna," she said after a pause. She continued to try to open the orange, growing increasingly red-faced and undoubtedly more self-conscious of everyone watching her. With a screech of frustration, she threw the orange bodily towards the wall. "LEGACY EDGE!" she shouted. When the dust the interdimensional swords she summoned cleared (leaving numerous holes in the wall) a small pile of perfectly cut orange lay on the floor in a neat pile, unmarred by dust or debris; with a cry of joy she hurriedly picked up the orange and began to eat.

Lambda watched Nu eat, a peculiar look on her face. "Query," she droned.

"Hm?" responded Nu, her cheeks full of orange.

"Did you really have to resort to such desperate measures for an orange?" she asked.

Nu swallowed and smiled cheekily. "_Superior_!" she proclaimed. Lambda raised an eyebrow.

Ragna sighed. "Eh, you did somehow cut the orange and not get dust on it. But now we need to get that wall repaired," he said, annoyed. He heaved himself up and made for the front door. "And I need to get to work," he called back.

"You work?" asked Noel incredulously. Ragna nodded.

"I have other things to do besides be an SS-Class criminal, Noel," he said. "Like pay off that massive tab Tao left me in…" he added in undertone. He stopped for a second at the front door and turned to look at them. Noel and Lambda gave rather awkward waves of good-bye while Nu continued to eat her orange.

"What are you waiting for?" asked Noel.

Off-put, and perhaps even a little disappointed, Ragna said quickly, "Uh, nothing." He opened the door and suddenly felt someone tap him on the shoulder. It was Nu. She grabbed his head and kissed him softly on the lips.

"Have a nice day, Ragna," she said. With a contented look on her face, she turned about, her hands on her hips and pointed at the other two girls. "_Superior._"

"Thanks," said Ragna awkwardly. The gesture was cute, but her ulterior motives shone through rather obviously following that final comment. He set off for work; the Chinese restaurant in Orient Town.

He came through the back door and pulled on a white apron to replace his usual jacket. "Hey, clean up table six," called out a co-worker, "It's a mess. I've never seen so many dishes on it."

Ragna sighed. "Yeah, yeah," he muttered. He set off towards the table. His co-worker wasn't joking: there we a _ton_ of dishes on the table, and they seemed to only be increasing in number. Amidst the pile, he caught a hood with cat ears. "Tao? What the hell are you doing?" he asked the dishes.

Tao grinning face emerged from behind a stack of plates. "Yay! It's Good Guy!" she said happily. She slurped up some soup happily and roughly wiped her mouth. "What are you doing here Good Guy?" she chimed. A look of surprised crossed her face. "Are you looking for Rawrgnya?" she asked.

Ragna, to keep descriptions quick and to the point, facepalmed. "Yes, I'm totally looking for him, that's why I'm wearing an apron and clearing tables," he muttered.

"That makes sense Good Guy!" she said. She began to punch the air excitedly, "It's like undercover work!" Ragna rubbed his face and sighed.

"Tao, this food isn't free, can you even pay for it?" asked Ragna in a hushed tone, "I can't exactly let you dine and dash, since I work here."

Tao's face lit up with excitement. "Good Guy works here!" she cried ecstatically, "Then you can give Tao free food! Yay!"

"What? No no no no, Tao, I can't give you free food!" retorted Ragna angrily, "I'll lose my job! Or worse, I'll work up an even _bigger_ tab! You know, the tab _you_ left me with?"

Tao made a cute face. "Aw, Good Guy, please?" she begged.

"No!" said Ragna with finality, "I can't work up my tab any higher, especially when it's already threatening to overtake the actual bounty on my head!" Tao seemed to have not heard this, because she continued to pester him about it.

At last, she resigned and said with gusto, "Alright then Good Guy! Tao will just do what you did that one time we ate here!" She jumped out of her booth and sprinted at the door, breaking through it and shouting behind her, "Thanks for the idea good guy!"

Ragna stared at the catgirl as she vanished from view. He would walk away, he thought, he would walk away and just clear the table and say that they dined and dashed. He had no part in it. None whatsoever. Unfortunately for him, his boss didn't take to kindly to letting a customer leave without paying, and she told him he'd have to work off what he let slip through his fingers in addition to his own tab. Ragna accepted the fine with a curt nod, internally wondering if his tab would be erased with a well placed Inferno Divider. He decided against killing the owner of the restaurant; the tab he owed may have only grown, but at least he was guaranteed work (and respite from the girls at his apartment) for the duration he had to pay it off.

* * *

When the day ended, Ragna set off for his apartment, using alleyways to avoid the eyes of several individuals he'd rather not run into. As he was nearing his destination, a trashcan nearby shuddered and the lid flew off; it was Tao, shouting happy greetings. "Good Guy!" she yelled joyously, "Tao was waiting for you to show up!" She jumped on his back. "Tao needed to thank you for letting her have all that food!"

"What! I didn't let you have any of it Tao! You just ran off without paying! And now _I_ have to pay for that food for you!" he said angrily.

"Good Guy's gonna pay for Tao? You're the best!" She purred contentedly. "Tao should give you something in return!"

"Like all the money you owe the restaurant," he muttered.

"Tao will give you something better than money!" she said. She jumped in front of him to halt his progress. "Tao will give you a tongue bath!" she chimed.

Ragna's eyes went wide. "Uh, Tao, let's not and say we did, okay?" he said hastily, "I'd rather not have a tongue bath." Perverted images were flying through his head at a mile a minute. He'd been fucking Nu too much recently. And Lambda. And Noel. In his mind's eye, he saw himself falling on all fours miserably, 'This is what I've become,' he thought morbidly, 'Black Beast my left foot. More like Horny Beast…'

Tao frowned a bit. "Come on Good Guy, it'll feel really good! All of the Kaka clan loves tongue baths!" she pressed. She grabbed hold of Ragna's face and began licking his cheeks. The action was devoid of sexuality; it was indeed like a cat licking itself clean, right down to the sandpaper like tongue. The feeling made Ragna shiver; it was incredibly unusual, at not at all sexual as he had envisioned. With a sigh of relief, he pressed Tao off him.

"Look, I appreciate the gesture Tao, but I need to get going home," he explained, "How about you not give me a tongue bath and instead swear to me that you won't dine and dash anymore?"

Tao considered him for a moment and then smiled. "Alright then Good Guy," she said, "Tao promises!"

Ragna was about to leave, but a thought suddenly popped into his head. "Can I see your face Tao?" he asked suddenly.

Tao frowned a bit. "This is my face Good Guy," she said softly.

"No it's not," said Ragna dismissively, "Your real face."

"No," she said shortly, pulling her hood down over her eyes, "Tao is ugly and self-conscious about her face."

Ragna cocked an eyebrow. "What the hell? Really? Look at what you're wearing!" he said with annoyance, indicating Tao's short, panty-shot-tastic jacket. "It's not like you wear a bra or anything either!"

Tao smiled mischievously and said proudly, "Tao knows Tao has a nice body!" Her smiled faded somewhat, "But Tao's face is ugly."

Ragna reached forward and tried to pull her hood down. "Just show me your face already!" he said.

* * *

Somewhere, in another part of Kagutsuchi, Hakumen was sitting on his couch, idly reading the paper. He suddenly sneezed and gripped his Ookami instinctively. He scanned the room and then shrugged. "Odd," he said aloud.

Nirvana trudged idly up behind him, holding a tray laden with tea and cookies. "What is it dear?" she asked inquisitively.

Hakumen sniffed and turned the page of his paper. "Nothing Ada," he said, somewhat unsure, "Just had a…weird feeling. Like someone was talking about me. Must've been nothing. Ooh! Are those lemon cookies?"

Ada smiled (at least, Hakumen interpreted her blank face as such), "Yes, they are. I hope you like them. I iced them differently this time."

* * *

Ragna kept trying to tug Tao's hood down. "Come on! Just a peek!" he said.

Tao struggled to keep her hood up while trying to punch Ragna away. "No! Good Guy! This is really bad foreplay!" she said.

Ragna stopped trying to pull her hood down and facepalmed. "What? That doesn't even make sense!" he said incredulously.

Tao let go of her hood. "Of course it does!" she said defensively.

"AN OPENING!" shouted Ragna. He tugged Tao's hood down and stared, mouth agape. Tao's skin was the same tone as the rest of her body. Her eyes were the same as anyone else's, but had bright, inviting red irises. Her hair was somewhat wilted and ruffled (and the same color as her braids, obviously), no doubt owing to the hood she constantly wore; fluffy cat ears protruded from her unkempt hair, the same color as her tail. Her mouth gave the aura of usually being twisted into a mischievous smile, but now was set in a thoroughly shocked expression. "Tao, you're adorable," said Ragna, somewhat off-put by this revelation.

Tao covered her face and made a soft mewing noise, "Nooo, Tao's ugly. Tao's so ugly, she made Ragna's eyes break! They don't know what's adorable anymore!"

"That doesn't even remotely make sense!" he said angrily. Ragna sighed and pulled her hood back up. "Fine, believe your own delusions," he said huffily, "I won't tell anyone what you look like. But like I said, you have to _promise_ not to dine and dash at my restaurant again. Got it?"

Tao nodded. "Tao got it Good Guy! And now, Tao has to get back to the village. Bye Good Guy!" she said quickly, before taking off back to the Kaka Village.

Ragna shook his head and made for his apartment again. He was assaulted by Nu and Lambda as soon as he entered, both of shouting greetings at him and hugging him tightly. After a light struggle over who would kiss him first (to Ragna's great amusement) he sat down on the couch. Nu was sitting next to him, head resting on his shoulder and smiling contentedly. Lambda was sitting at a desk nearby, feeding her slugs. Ragna reached into the pocket in his jacket and removed list entitled, "Prime Field Devices To Fuck List". The list simply read: λ-11, μ-12 (in bright red next to this was "Noel") and ν-13. Lambda's name had two check marks next to it, Nu's had three and Noel's only had one. Ragna looked about. "Nu? Where's Noel?" he asked.

Nu looked up at him, her eyes widening innocently. "She's at work," she said simply.

"What? She doesn't work with the NOL anymore!" he said, confused.

Nu shook her head vigorously. "Nope! She's doing undercover work!" she said, nodding.

"For…who? Sector Seven?" asked Ragna.

Lambda answered. "Incorrect," she said flatly, "Noel is currently under the employ of…"

* * *

Noel was regretting taking this position more and more. "Alright little boy!" said Bang loudly, "Next we need to work on getting you a more ninja-like outfit! This one is too flowy and feminine for a young man like you." He handed Noel an outfit that was more or less identical to his subordinates outfits, but it was blue and white.

Noel held up the uniform, a look of distaste on her face. "For the last time, I'm a girl! And do I really have to wear this?" she said unhappily.

"Of course! How can you be a successful ninja without a ninja outfit!" he said enthusiastically. "You may be male, but I will respect your privacy and leave the room so may change."

Noel blushed with anger, her hands shaking violently; the suit she was holding began to tear slightly. "I'M A GIRL!" she shouted, "LOOK!" She grabbed her breasts and jiggled them up and down. Bang, unfortunately, had already left the room. Noel relieved her feelings by repeatedly shooting the outfit. "DAMN IT!"

Bang rushed back into the room, a look of worry on his face. "I heard gunfire! What's wrong?" he said, alarmed. Before him was a fatigued Noel, her two handgun's barrels smoking from the fire. "Where did you get such weaponry? Surely a young man such as you has no need for firearms?" he asked.

Noel had had enough. "I'M A GIRL!" she shouted angrily, firing her guns everywhere. Bang ducked out of the way and hid behind a pillar, sweating profusely. His subordinates were scrambling everywhere.

"What do I do?" he shouted to himself, "How do I calm this young man? He keeps saying he's a girl!"

One of his subordinates rushed next to him. "Boss Bang! What's going?"

"That young man thinks he's a young woman!" responded Bang.

The subordinate peeked out from cover and then looked back at Bang. He raised an eyebrow, "I don't see it," he said simply.

Bang laid a hand on his subordinates shoulder, his eyes closed and his eyebrows knit. "You know what we must do! Now GO!" he shouted, pushing his subordinate into the line of fire.

"Wait, what do I do Boss!" shouted the subordinate in fear.

Noel looked over at the subordinate, her head cocked, and her face twisted into an insane expression; it would have Terumi jealous. Smoke billowed from her mouth when she spoke, "Are you one of those deluded nuts that thinks I'm a boy?" She aimed her guns at him threateningly.

The subordinate cowered. "BOSS WHAT DO I DO!" he shouted in fear.

Bang stared at the subordinate and mimed running with his fingers; the subordinate immediately complied. Noel chased after him, screaming, "I'M A GIRL DAMN IT! COME BACK HERE!"

"WHY! WHY WON'T YOU ACCEPT YOUR MANHOOD!" shouted the subordinate in fear. Noel caught sight of Bang behind the pillar and immediately changed course.

"YOU!" she shouted menacingly. Bang gulped and began to run, but found himself at a dead end in the dojo before long. He turned around, sweating bullets and stared at Noel. "YOU WANT PROOF? EAT THIS!" She jumped at him, grabbing him with her thighs and swinging him violently around, throwing him half-way across the dojo in the other direction.

Bang got up, spluttering and shouted, "WHAT? WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, STOP!" He held up his hands and his face was red. "THAT WAS…Why don't…" His breathing began to even, and his composure began to return. "Young lady! You shouldn't be running about without underwear on! It's shameful!"

Noel pointed Bolverk at his face. "Too late, dumbass," she said angrily. She started firing.

Bang screamed in pain, "NOT THE FACE!" Noel stopped firing, standing over Bang's smoking body. He groaned and looked up at Noel; he had let her hair down and was wiping the sweat from her forehead; her hair was flowing out behind her. "What! Why didn't you just take your hat off, young lady!" he shouted. "That wouldn't have made me realize you were a young woman immediately!"

Noel stared at him with angry, narrowed eyes. "Somehow, I don't believe that one bit," she said angrily, "And I don't need this job that bad, especially if this is how I'm going to be treated."

Bang go to his feet and grabbed Noel's arm. "No wait! Let's work something out! We need help!" he said desperately. Noel stared at him coldly.

"I'm listening," she said.

* * *

Ragna sighed. "Alright then," he said. 'That means Noel's 6:30 boning session has been cancelled until further notice,' he thought, 'Guess I'll just finish off Lambda for the day. Nu's already had her fill. Well…she's hit her quota anyway.' Ragna, and perhaps anyone that knew Nu even a little bit, knew quite well that when it came to Ragna, Nu probably had her "fill" of him at some number not yet known to man. He shuddered a bit, Lambda was probably the same way. He shuddered, who was he kidding, if the world ended, and only he and the other three girls remained, he would be relegated to fucking them until the end of time in a world now totally devoid of distraction. 'I can't believe I actually have to schedule this stuff out,' he thought privately, 'But if I don't, then there just won't be enough hours in the day to get things done.' He got heavily to his feet and walked over to Lambda, tucking the paper into his jacket. He hugged her from behind, his mouth and nose buried in her hair. "What're you doing, Lambda?" he asked.

Lambda's response was steeped in embarrassed affection, and her voice was quivering slightly, "I'm…feeding my slugs." She idly poked one of her slugs; it squirmed contentedly.

"Huh," he said, "Reminds me of earlier this week." When it came to affairs concerning Lambda, Ragna had to be significantly more forward. Nu would jump him at a moment's notice, and Noel, as embarrassed and shy as she was about it still managed to segue rather naturally into sex. Lambda, on the other hand seemed to stumble; everything she did to Ragna when she was in mood was filled with apologies and hesitation. Ragna figured this was fitting, concerning everything that had happened to her. His train of thought was suddenly derailed when he arrived at this point; 'Wait,' he thought frantically, 'Lambda dissolved…and Nu was with her…was _in_ her and now…' His eyes widened, 'HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY BOTH HERE RIGHT NO- Fuck it.' It was too much effort to think about how they managed to both exist unscathed at the moment: Lambda's hair smelled really nice and it was doing the job of an aphrodisiac while at the same time muddying his mind. "Well," he continued, shelving the device's existences in the recesses of his mind for a later date, "Noel's not back, which means a few things have opened up, and I figured I'd take advantage of them." He slid his hands up her stomach slowly and cupped her breasts gently.

Lambda made an indistinct gasping noise. "Ragna," she whispered. She reached up and cupped his hands with her own. Ragna began to gently massage her breasts. Lambda moaned softly, "Ragna, are you really going to do this here?"

Ragna laughed softly into her hair. "It's not like Nu minds or anything," he said simply.

Nu chose this moment to call out to the two, "Hey! Nu is trying to play Continuum Shift! Do that somewhere else or you'll distract Nu!"

"Distract you?" said Ragna, his mouth still in Lambda's hair, "With what? My dick?"

Unseen, Nu nodded vigorously, "Yep!"

Lambda and Ragna's expression became rather awkward. "Uh, alright then Nu…" said Ragna.

* * *

Lambda felt the cool touch of the sheets on her naked back. Ragna crawled over her and bent his face down to kiss her. Her face was flushed, and her hair was splayed about everywhere. She felt Ragna's fingers slid down her chest and stomach; they were cool to the touch and left goose bumps in their wake. His fingers slipped softly between her labia and into her vagina and began to slide slowly in and out. Lambda broke from the kiss and moaned into Ragna's ear; she gripped his back, her nails digging into his skin. He slipped his fingers out of her womanhood and softly rubbed her clitoris, tracing tiny circles on it. Lambda's moans rose steadily in volume, until she suddenly reached down and grabbed Ragna's hand; panting and her face flushed she pushed Ragna aside and pinned him to the bed. She kissed him softly and began to trail her head down his body, kissing him every few inches. Her head reached the tip of his member, and she slid her mouth down over it and began to suck on it softly. Slowly, her head bobbed lower and lower, until Ragna felt the end of his manhood hitting the back of her throat. With a sudden jerk upwards and a soft, "Pwah," noise, Lambda stopped sucking. She looked up at Ragna and blushed. Ragna smirked and nodded. Lambda mounted him and drew herself close to his chest, sliding up and down his turgid member. She felt her breasts brushing against his chest in rhythm to the sex. Without warning, Lambda's world flipped, and Ragna was on top of her, his thrusting quickening. Lambda reached out and pulled him close to her body and dug her nails into his back again; as Ragna's thrusts reached a fever pitch, she reactively dragged her nails down his back. The two shouted their orgasm in unison.

Ragna pulled out, huffing. He felt Lambda's hands slide off his back; drops of blood dripped off her finger tips. "Wait, what the hell?" he asked, alarmed.

Lambda blushed. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, "I got…carried away." She looked away shamefully.

Ragna's expression softened. "Hey, don't worry? I'll be fine, alright? I've taken _much_ worse than a few scratches," he said reassuringly. He softly grabbed Lambda's chin and turned her head to face him.

Lambda stared back at Ragna and blushed a deeper red. She averted her eyes when she said, "Affirmative." Ragna smirked. It would take time, but Lambda was getting better.

The door behind the two suddenly burst open; it was Noel, and a fire burned in her eyes that indicated two things: she had never been so angry in her life, and she'd never been more horny in her life. "You! Right now," she shouted, gesticulating forcefully, "Right. Now!" She tore her clothing off and tossed her hat aside.

Ragna stared wide-eyed at Noel. "What the hell?" he asked wildly. Noel rushed forward and grabbed Ragna, kissing him fiercely. He pulled away for a second. "What's going on?" he asked again. Noel stared at Ragna; the glare she gave him made his spine feel like it was dissolving. He quailed before her and mumbled, "Ok, ok, shit." Lambda quietly tiptoed out of the room and shut the door behind her. Noel dropped to her knees and grabbed Ragna's drooping member, a look of determination on her face. 'Here we go again,' thought Ragna.

Bonus! Gag Ending! "Save us, Ragna the Bloodedge!"

"Help!" screamed Noel. Arakune was upon her, thousands of insects closing in on her. Mild mannered laborer, Ragna Kent rushed to the scene to size up the situation. Thinking quickly, he ducked into a phone booth and removed his glasses, transforming himself into the SS-Class Heroic Criminal of Reluctant Bastard Justice: Ragna the Bloodedge! He jumped out of the booth and pointed importantly at Arakune.

"Stop right there criminal scum!" he declared. "With the aid of my Mexican Cyborg Samurai Sidekick, Haku-Meng, we shall crush you, bitch!"

Haku-Meng broke out of a nearby wall. "_Aqui estoy!_" he shouted at Arakune, "_Soy Haku-Meng!_"

Noel jumped for joy. "I'm saved!" she said happily.

Haku-Meng rushed Arakune and grabbed him. "I DON'T WANT IT!" squealed Arakune.

"_Agarralo!"_ shouted Haku-Meng, throwing Arakune at Ragna.

Ragna caught him and smiled deviously. "This is why I'm an SS-Class Criminal, evildoer, bitch!" he proclaimed. He shoved Arakune into a blender. "BEHOLD! SECRET BLOOD KAIN ART! CARNAGE BLENDER!" Haku-Meng stared at Ragna pointedly. "Uh, I mean, uh, BITCH!"

Noel squirmed and rubbed her stomach. "Ugh, I think I'm gonna be sick," she moaned; the sight of Arakune in a blender was not pretty.

"No need to thank us, bitch!" shouted Ragna, leaving the blender to bounce about, spilling Arakune everywhere, "It's our job! Now, Haku-Meng! Off we go to save those in need! Stay safe, bitch!" Haku-Meng pulled on a sombrero and bowed to Noel before setting off behind Ragna on his magical unicorn burro, leaving behind him a trail of rainbows and the scent of chicken burritos.

Ragna woke up panting. He looked about, confused and slightly aroused. Lambda and Nu seemed to have already woken up and were gone, but Noel remained sleeping next to him, her hair fluttering each time she exhaled. He shook her awake. "Noel, I just had the weirdest fucking dream ever," he said in a hurried whisper. Noel turned around and mumbled something indistinct. Ragna sighed and slumped back into his pillow. "Man, I was kind of horny too…" he mumbled. In an instant, Noel was on top of him, kissing him fiercely. Through the kiss, Ragna smirked; worked every time.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry that took so long, I've been a bit busy. Hope you enjoyed it! Here's a question to ponder while the next chapter is in the works: What sort of fanfiction is this? (Hint: It's fan service. Unabashed, shameless, fan service. With words instead of pictures.) Also, my writing style has, as you can no doubt tell morphed somewhat; it flitters between a number of different techniques and arrangements; if it's too scatterbrained and you guys dislike it, let me know: I'll do my best to make it more uniform (i.e., in line more with the writing for chapters one and two).**


	5. Day 14: Stagnant Water, Chlorinated

**Author's Note: Wow, sorry for the delay everyone, I've been busy (and still am) with work and college. Let's go! The universe in Ragna's life is expanding, and the first expansion comes in the form of a certain cyborg samurai and his ridiculously hot marionette girlfriend.**

Day 14

Ragna felt something poking his forehead repeatedly. He opened his eyes blearily. A blonde figure was staring at him, a look of slight amusement on her forehead. "Ughh…" he moaned, "What? What do you want Noel? It's too early."

Noel smiled warmly at him. "You need to wake up and eat something; we're going swimming today remember?" she said happily. Ragna blinked and rubbed his eyes.

"Alright," he said sleepily, "Just five more minutes." A muffled noise came from under the sheets. Confused, Noel pulled the sheets back and blushed immediately. Nu seemed to have taken to trying to wake Ragna in a more intimate way; she was gently suckling the tip of his penis, her eyes closed contentedly, hair drooping over her face. With a sigh and slight blush, Ragna gently grabbed the sides of Nu's head and pulled her gently off his member.

With a soft "pwah" sound, Nu looked innocently up at Ragna, a thin string of saliva linking her bottom lip and his member. "Nu wasn't finished, Ragna," she said with a tinge of melancholy. She pulled herself up and kissed him gently. "Don't you know: morning wood's the best wood?"

Ragna stared sleepily at Nu. He didn't have the energy now to argue, or even be perplexed by this argument. Noel, on the other, let her forehead rapidly become acquainted with her palm. "Nu, now isn't the time for morning fun, you both need to get ready," she said exasperatedly. The blushing in her cheeks had yet to subside. "Eat something and get dressed you two," she said before turning around and leaving. Ragna slumped back into his pillow; he had slept for ten hours or so, but still felt immensely drained. With a yawn, he covered his eyes with his forearm and wondered quietly why he was so tired. A familiar wetness engulfed him and he immediately looked down at Nu, who had happily resumed her activity. With a sigh of surrender, he gently placed his hand on the crown of her head and guided her head slowly up and down.

* * *

Some time later, the two emerged from Ragna's bedroom and made their way to the kitchen. Noel was idly chewing toast as she watched Lambda rub a mixture of leaves onto a recently acquired slug; it squirmed about in a way that was making Lambda smile.

Ragna sat down heavily at the table, holding a cup of coffee and a doughnut. "Why are we going swimming today?" he grunted.

Noel raised an eyebrow. "Because it's sunny outside Ragna," she explained, "Isn't that reason enough?"

Ragna took a long sip from his coffee before responding. "Yeah, fine," he said, relenting, "I guess it is." Caffeine, he found, was worthless to him, but the taste of coffee was refreshing. He privately wondered how absurd his entire life was; it felt as if some kind of higher drive had been put on hold and shelved in an entirely different world. Something poking him in the ribs brought him back down to reality. "What? What is it Lambda?" he asked dazedly.

"Grab your stuff, Nu and Noel have already gone down to the pool," she explained, "You were in some kind of daze for a few minutes. Are you alright?" She looked faintly worried. Ragna nodded his head. Her worry somewhat alleviated, Lambda gave a slight smile and kissed him. "Let's go," she droned.

The day was bright and surprisingly warm. Ragna heard the sounds of splashing and general commotion as they neared the pool. Fair amounts of people were around; this bothered him. "Ugh, you didn't say there'd be other people," he muttered to Lambda. Lambda shrugged and went off to sunbathe. Sighing, Ragna made his way rather awkwardly over to a lone chair and sat down. He didn't look even remotely ready to be at the pool, as he was dressed as usual. He stared idly at the random passersby, feeling increasingly alien with each passing minute; what the hell was the Grim Reaper doing by a pool? His thoughts were diverted when a flustered looking Noel and scantily clad Nu walked up to him.

"Nu, I don't think your swimsuit is really…appropriate. I mean, there are children here!" said Noel exasperatedly; her cheeks were slightly flushed, evidently, this argument had been going on for a few minutes.

Nu posed rather enthusiastically for Ragna. "Nu doesn't care," she said cheerily, "As long as Ragna likes it." Ragna's eyes went wide.

"Nu, are you wearing a thong?" he asked in undertone. Nu nodded. "What? Why? Did Litchi put you up to this?" he asked. She nodded again. "But I don't really care for Litchi's clothes…or her figure…" he explained; privately, he hoped Platinum wasn't stalking him on Jubei's orders and hiding somewhere, as he'd never hear the end of preferring the three teenaged clones (of his sister no less) over a developed woman if she heard what he'd said. The constant accusation of "pedophile" would be enough to drive him insane.

Noel looked expectantly at Ragna, her cheeks flooding with color. "You really mean that Ragna?" she asked excitedly. Ragna looked with surprise at Noel. He nodded awkwardly. With a squeal of delight, she hugged him tightly around his midsection. Nu, not wishing to be outdone, did the same.

"Oh God…" he muttered.

"That looks fun. Can I join in?" asked a flat voice. It was Lambda. She was dressed in a schoolgirl's swimsuit; the white rectangle on her chest where the name was written simply said λ-11.

With a slight blush, Ragna asked, "What's with that get-up?"

Lambda tugged on the fabric of her swimsuit absently. "I think it rather suits me," she droned. Ragna looked away. She was absolutely right. Nu seemed to have taken notice, because she let go of Ragna and ran off, happily shouting something about superiority.

"Yeah, I guess it does. You do look rather…cute in it…" muttered Ragna. Lambda blushed and mumbled her thanks.

"Would you think the same if I was wearing it?" asked Noel timidly. With a slight jerk, Ragna looked slowly at Noel, impious images forming in his head, most of them involving how deliciously tight the fabric of the suit would cling to her voluptuous rear.

"Uh, it'd be…nice…really nice…" he said carefully.

Noel beamed and hugged Ragna. With a sly grin, she whispered into Ragna's ear, "If you keep complimenting me like that you'll drive me over the edge of decency…" Ragna gulped. Her tone indicated quite clearly that she wasn't kidding. Then, something calculated to plunge his mind further into the gutter trotted by: it was Nu, wearing a schoolgirl's swimsuit that seemed to be a size too small-her breasts and rear were struggling against the tight fabric.

"Hngh! Nu! What the hell?" asked Ragna, eyes wide.

Nu bent over suggestively and smiled. "Is this better Ragna?" She pressed her breasts together with her arms and leaned closer to him. With a look of determination, Lambda mimicked Nu. Ragna looked away pointedly.

"Ragna, why aren't you wearing swimming trunks anyway?" asked Noel, "Your regular clothing isn't exactly meant for swimming."

"Uh…look, I'm not exactly interested in swimming right now. Or even being here at the pool…I was kinda dragged into this Noel…" stammered Ragna. Noel pushed Ragna towards a changing station.

"That's too bad; you're here to swim, so get something on!" she persisted. She shoved Ragna into the booth and went inside with him. "Alright, here are some swim trunks. I packed them because I figured you'd pull this," she explained. Ragna rubbed the back of his head and pulled off his pants; he was already wearing trunks. "What the…when did you plan on telling me this?" asked Noel.

Ragna didn't meet Noel's eyes. "I automatically wear swimming trunks if I know I'm going to be around a body of water. It's a safety measure," he explained. Noel cocked her head and furrowed her brows. That simultaneously made sense and did not make sense. Nevertheless, she tugged Ragna back outside and pulled him towards the pool. "Wait! I don't want to swim!" he protested.

"Too bad!" giggled Noel. She pushed him into the water and jumped in after him.

* * *

Ragna stared at the sky, idly floating on a ring raft, the sound of splashing and laughter springing up about him. He felt sleepy: his eyes kept closing and he felt as if he might nod off soon. Perhaps a day out at the pool wasn't such a bad idea after all. He felt himself bump gently into one of the walls along the edge of the pool and stop. Nearby, he heard the voice of a man. "Damn, look at that chick in the school bathing suit," it said enthusiastically.

"Which one? The blonde one?" asked another disembodied voice.

"No, the one with the bluish hair!" said the first voice, "She is HOT." Ragna fell of his raft and rose to the surface, spluttering. He looked directly at where the voices were coming from: it was three guys, standing under an umbrella. He got out of the water and casually walked closer to them, taking care to look anywhere but at them.

"What?" said the second voice, "She looks dead on her feet! Her skin is on some new level of pale! It's got a grayish tinge to it! I think the blonde girl in the school swimsuit is way better."

The third, previously silent guy began to talk, "Yeah, but she just looks like a blonde, tan version of the other girl. I like the girl in the bikini."

The first guy spoke up, "Yeah, you would like normal girls wouldn't you? You never go for the more exotic types."

"Ain't nothin' exotic about her man," replied the third guy, "Unless you count potential zombie as exotic."

"Yeah, but your choice is as flat as a board," said the second guy.

"And your choice has all of the personality of a sack of bricks. Have you heard her talk? I'd fall asleep listening to her," interjected the first guy.

Ragna's red eye began to twitch and a spectacular vein sprouted on his temple. 'Insulting all of them are you?' he thought savagely. He was brought out of his angry contemplation by one of the three.

"Hey! You with the silver hair, what do you think?" asked the first guy.

Ragna's eyes widened. "What? I don't know what you're talking about," he lied.

"Those three girls," explained the first guy, pointing to them in turn, "Which do you prefer?" He looked expectantly at Ragna.

Ragna rubbed his temples. "Look asshole," he began, but was cut off immediately by a sudden tackle from Nu. "Grah! What the fuck, Nu?" he asked angrily; he felt a bump swelling on the back of his head. Nu beamed at Ragna and snuggled against his chest.

"Come jump off the high dive with Nu!" she said. Ragna looked at the high dive and swallowed nervously. It was high. _Very_ high.

"Uh, no thanks Nu," he said evasively, "I'm just…uh…gonna float around in the water."

"Hah!" said the second guy, "She's taken! Score one for me!"

Lambda chose this moment to walk over and help Ragna up, offering him a small bag full of ice for the bump on his head; evidently, she had seen him hit the ground after Nu tackled him. "I hope you're alright Ragna," she said quietly.

The third guy chuckled. "Looks like both of you are shit out of luck," he said, "Normal guy wins!" So it would seem, but at this moment, Noel walked over to Ragna and began to tug on his hand, voicing an interest in some ice cream being sold nearby. Ragna looked meaningfully at the three guys and gave a self-satisfied smirk.

"What were those guys talking about with you Ragna?" asked Noel.

"Uh, nothing really," lied Ragna, "Anyway, what kind of ice cream did you…"

"BLACK BEAST!" shouted an ominously familiar voice. Ragna turned on the spot his fists held aloft; where the hell was his sword? Hakumen stood nearby, pointing his Ookazi threateningly at Ragna. "Prepare yourself, for today, you fall!"

"Damn it Hakumen! Get the hell away from me!" shouted back Ragna. Hakumen rushed at Ragna with a deafening battle cry. Ragna focused his eyes on Hakumen's sword and reached out with his right arm to stop the blade, but in an instant, Hakumen had vanished. "What the…" Ragna turned around to see Hakumen chatting with the owner of the ice cream stand. His mouth forming a perfect "O", Ragna watched as Hakumen took two cones from the man, paid him and trotted directly past him, over to Nirvana. Ragna rubbed his eyes fiercely and looked back at the two. Hakumen and Nirvana were eating ice cream cones by a pool and Nirvana was wearing a swimsuit.

Ragna rushed over to Hakumen and gesticulated wildly. "What the fuck was that, Hakumen?" he asked, bewildered.

Hakumen stared at Ragna, a half-eaten ice cream in his hand. "Sorry about that. You were first in line and I kind of wanted to cut," he explained, "Took advantage of that whole 'BLACK BEAST' spiel I'm known for." Hakumen pressed the ice cream to his mask; a portion of it disappeared. Nirvana was doing the same thing.

"What the…Why are you here anyway?" asked Ragna, "You don't exactly seem fit for swimming. Neither does Nirvana. Wait. Wait. Wait. WHY IS NIRVANA WITH YOU?" Ragna's brain seemed ready to split in half; things were beginning to make even less sense.

"Her name's Ada," said Hakumen, wagging a finger disapprovingly, "Not Nirvana."

"Did you switch places with Carl?" asked Ragna in disbelief. He didn't notice Nu politely poking a chocolate ice cream to his cheek. The spot it was leaving was growing steadily larger. With a giggle, she proceeded with gusto.

Hakumen shook his head. "No, of course not. You call your girlfriends by their first names don't you?" he said matter-of-factly. "And I'm here because it's a nice day out, and we hardly ever get to enjoy our apartment's pool." The gears that had been rapidly spinning in Ragna came to a screeching halt. Not only did Hakumen live in the same apartment as him, and not only was he dating Nirvana, but Ragna didn't even _know_ Hakumen lived near him. "I live down the hall from you," continued Hakumen, "But you and I have pretty different schedules so I don't see you leave or come home."

Ragna gaped at Hakumen and shook his head vigorously. "You can't be serious," said Ragna in disbelief, "You just can't be." Hakumen shrugged and made the cone vanish mysteriously when he pressed it to his mask.

Rather thickly, he said, "Shorry to dishappoint joo Rawgna." He swallowed. "I thought Noel or someone had told you."

Noel walked up, idly licking an ice cream. "What did I tell Ragna?" Hakumen explained that she had known for some time that he and Ada lived down the hall. Noel nodded with dawning comprehension then slapped her forehead. "Right, I forgot to tell you Ragna," she said, "They live near us now. Ada sometimes gives me cookie recipes to try out."

With a cheery wave, Ada nodded at Ragna. "Anyway!" interjected Hakumen, "Don't sweat the small stuff Ragna."

"Small stuff?" replied Ragna distantly.

"Yeah! We're neighbors, but big deal! I have no intention of killing you, and neither does Ada. Right dear?" asked Hakumen. Ada nodded.

"Wait," said Ragna, slowly coming to accept how bizarre his existence was now, "What about Carl?"

Hakumen waved an airy hand. "Taken care of," he said simply.

* * *

Carl tightly hugged Makoto's tail, rubbing his face contentedly in the warm fur. "It's so fluffy!" he said happily. Makoto giggled gleefully. He was _so cute._

_

* * *

_

Hakumen got up and stretched. "Let's go for a nice swim Ada," he said cheerily.

"Won't you get cramps?" asked Noel.

Hakumen waved the comment away. "Suits don't get cramps, and neither does a Nox Nyctores," he explained. He grabbed Ada's hand and pulled her gleefully into the deep end of the pool. With a great splash, the two dropped quickly to the floor of the pool and looked up at the surface and then at each other. As far as Ragna could tell, the two seemed to have burst into laughter.

Ragna sat down at the edge of the pool and finally took notice of Nu's actions; she had not stopped poking him with his ice cream, and half of it had become a spectacular chocolate circle on his cheek. With a scowl, he took the treat from Nu and absently licked it. Nu smirked and leaned over toward him. "Ragna has something on his cheek," she whispered and softly licked the melted ice cream off of him.

With a slight shiver of enjoyment, Ragna looked over at Nu and said flatly, "Really, Nu?" She beamed and laid her head on his shoulder, happily kicking her feet in the water. With a sigh of resignation, Ragna continued to eat his ice cream. The surface of the water in front of him broke and up came Hakumen and Ada, doing what Ragna could only wildly guess was their form of kissing. Ada's immobile lips were pressed tightly against a spot on Hakumen's mask that Ragna guessed approximated where his lips would be.

He shivered in earnest this time, and noticed that Nu was doing so also; she, however, elected to also cover her eye and squeal, "That's creepy!" Ragna nodded, but couldn't tear his eyes away. Behind him, a voice lazily said, "Really, Hakumen? Have you stooped that low?"

Ragna turned his head in the direction of the voice: it was Hazama. He jumped to his feet and wheeled about (behind him, Nu fell over and hit her head on the floor). "What the fuck Hazama? Don't you have flowers to prune?" he asked angrily.

Hazama opened an eye lazily and adjusted his hat. "I have other jobs and activities other than just managing a florist's stand," he said testily, "Now get out of my way; I want to take a picture of this, and forever immortalize it on my desk with a caption that reads 'Desperation'."

Hakumen got out of the pool and walked menacingly over to Hazama. "And to what do I owe this displeasure?" he growled.

Hazama adjusted his hat again and grinned mockingly at Hakumen. "Come on now Hakumen," he said, "You've got to be pretty desperate to want _that_ thing."

"Don't you ever talk about Ada that way," he snarled.

"Oh, so you even named the store mannequin?" snapped back Hazama, "Do the arms come free or separate? Where do you get the clothing? Do you steal them? What's your favorite bar, JC Pe**y's or Ma*y's?"

Hakumen clenched his fist into a tight ball. "Damn you Terumi!" He readied his sword.

Hazama shook his head. "Now that I look you over, your physique seems to indicate you've been going to Abe*******e and F**ch." Hakumen snarled again, but Hazama cut across him, and nudged him in the ribs, "But hey, I guess you really like the muscular mannequins, eh? I don't judge, you know."

Ada walked over and gently took hold of Hakumen's hand. "You're a dick, you know that right, Terumi?" she said.

Hazama grinned evilly. "Oh! So you _can_ talk? How do you put up with that, Hakumen? I thought the best part about dating a _doll_ was that they're completely silent. No bitching, no getting your ears talked off about stupid shit you don't care about…Looks like you _really_ know how to pick the worst of the bunch, eh?"

Hakumen clenched his fists again. "Insult me all you want, but if you keep insulting Ada, I swear to you, these children will bear witness to acts of such depravity, they will defy description," he growled murderously.

Hazama grinned still more broadly and said, "Just one last question Hakumen…Did she bend over and tell you it was for her tuition? You _were_ always the charitable type." Hakumen raised a fist to punch Hazama, who backed away, laughing maniacally.

Ada pouted, "I'm offended. That's not how we met at all."

Hazama stopped smiling and opened a single, yellow eye at Ada. "Excuse me, but REAL PEOPLE ARE TALKING!" he said.

Hakumen took a step towards Hazama, but Ada beat him. In a flash, she was gripping Hazama's throat with such force, it was a wonder his head didn't pop off. "Excuse me, but _what did you say?_" she whispered with an air that preceded murder.

Hazama smiled. "Real people?" he said.

Ada clenched her fingers more tightly together and Hazama coughed. "Give me a reason, Terumi. Just. One. Reason," she growled.

Hazama kicked Ada in the stomach and flipped back. Almost immediately, everyone was in a fighting stance; perhaps sensing defeat, Hazama grinned and made a motion to leave. "Well, it looks like I've overstayed my welcome," he said calmly, "But before I go…" His opened his eyes and a maniacal grin crossed his face, "Hey Rags, do you want an interesting ADULTHOOD?"

Ragna scowled and took a step towards Hazama. "Fuck you, I'm not falling for that one again," he snarled. Hazama cackled and dissipated into the ether.

* * *

The day had not turned out so well for Ragna; a trip to the pool he wasn't interested in was almost made worth it by seeing Noel, Nu and Lambda is swimwear, only to be dragged firstly into the realm of total absurdity with the appearance of the least likely couple he could imagine: Hakumen and Ada, and then into vilifying rage by the antics of the ever-maddening Hazama. He sipped the coffee he held in his hand and looked into the living room. Lambda and Nu were playing Go, and it was incredibly clear who was winning. The slight smirk on Lambda's face indicated she was feeling enormously smug at Nu's total lack of strategy. Lost momentarily in Nu's accusations of cheatings (all of which were coolly deflected by Lambda), Ragna didn't notice Noel sit down next to him and set a laptop down. She was shopping online.

"Hey Ragna, look at this," she said, nudging him in the ribs. Ragna turned about and looked at what Noel was showing him: it was a stickman key holder, and the post used to hang the keys was positioned directly over its crotch.

With a smirk, Ragna said, "Heh, I guess that's pretty funny. What's that thing?"

Noel scrolled down the page a bit and pointed at what seemed to be a kitchen knife embedded in a wall. "It's an…apron holder?" she said, reading the description of the item.

Ragna smiled more broadly. "We don't need one of those. If I need a knife in the wall, I'll just ask Nu," he said. Nu looked over in Ragna's direction and tilted her head. Ragna waved a hand dismissively and she resumed diatribe with Lambda. He turned his attention back to the cavalcade of unusual items Noel had found, and the minutes melted quickly into a few hours.

Feeling significantly more cheery, Ragna decided to tease Noel. With a perverted smirk, he leaned towards Noel and tugged lightly on the tie she wore. Noel looked quickly at Ragna and blushed. Smirking more broadly, Ragna muttered, "We haven't tried doing it on the table you know." Noel flushed a brilliant scarlet and dropped her gaze.

"Uh, well," she stammered, "No, but, um, Nu and Lambda are right over there and…" The rest of her sentence was cut off. Ragna slid the laptop aside, placed it on a chair and lay Noel down on the table. This went well beyond the realm of teasing, he realized, but at this point, he didn't care. "Ragna," she stammered again, as her dress was pulled off of her, "This is where we eat…"

Ragna smiled. "Yeah, and this is where _I'm_ going to eat," he responded.

Noel covered her eyes with her hands. "That was a terrible joke," she whined. So, the pair learned: the kitchen table was _incredibly sturdy_.

* * *

**Author's End Notes: Flying nipples of Zeus, that took forever to write. I kept stopping, getting blocked, and changing trains of thoughts and even managed to come up with an entirely **_**new**_** fanfic that is exclusively Ragna/Noel. I don't know what to name it though. Maybe **_**Crimson Azure**_**. Don't go looking for it right now. It won't be up for a while. Or maybe it will be. I don't know.**

**Why are you still here? Oh. The gag ending, that's right. How's this for a gag ending: Everyone, every last person and living creature on earth dies in an inferno of despair and misery (**_**especially**_** dear old Rags and his cloned puppet girlfriends), leaving only I, the great Yuuki Terumi as the sole survivor on an earth now populated entirely by snakes and boiled eggs! And wonderfully shiny silver things. Such a perfect planet…**

**Ta ta! With love, **_**Not **_**Hazama.**

Ragna crumpled up the piece of paper he was reading and threw it bodily at the wall. Behind him, the three girls stood, weapons readied and eyes shadowed, all looking directly at Hazama, who sat behind a typewriter.

"Pretty good, eh? Can I be in this story now?" he said merrily, "I think I've got a pretty good knack for writing."

"You already _are_ in the damn story, you bitch," growled Ragna.

Hazama smiled evilly. "I _know_," he said.

* * *

**Author's REAL Notes: I wasn't lying about **_**Crimson Azure**_**. Just wait until you see how I open it! I'm sure it's only been done at least once before! I'm so original! Except, you know…not really.**


	6. Day 21: The Many Joys of Alcohol

**Author's Note: I didn't forget about the whole "having days within days" thing I mentioned a few chapters back. Not at all...heh. LOOK OVER THERE! We're venturing into the territory of OOC for some of the characters that are going to be introduced. Hakumen, you know by now, is one of those characters.**

Day 21

With a moan, Ragna's eyes opened to the blindingly bright light of the living room. The balcony doors were directly in front of him, and the sun had chosen to give him a finger of monumental proportions by shining directly into his drooping, tired eyes. He got heavily to his feet and shuffled into the kitchen. As he waited for a cup of water for very strong tea to boil, he realized that it was unusually quiet in the apartment. "Hey? Nu? Lambda? Noel? Anyone home?" he called out. No response came. He shrugged and reached for the cabinet where he kept the tea and noticed a note was stuck to it. Neat, rigid and ostensibly feminine handwriting was on it. As he made his tea, he read the note aloud.

"Dear Ragna,

Noel, Nu and I have vacated the apartment for the morning to let you sleep in peace and get better. I was worried; I've heard you can choke to death in your sleep if you vomit, but you were fine this morning when we left, so all is well. We'll be out until sometime in the mid-afternoon. Meet us in Orient Town if you're feeling well enough for dinner.

With love, Lambda

P.S. The door is in bad shape; Nu wasn't interested in leaving you here alone and was a bit more…vocal in her protests."

Ragna looked over at the door. It was full of thin holes and partially off of its hinges. He took a sip of tea and then pointed his cup at the door. "Later," he said simply. He massaged his temples; his head was killing him. 'Could be worse,' he thought wryly, 'At least I can remember everything.'

* * *

Day 20

It seemed that each time he saw it, Ragna more completely comprehended why Noel's clothes were backless: the view was amazing. His hands held her hips as she slid rapidly up and down his shaft, her moans in rhythm with their lovemaking. Feeling he was nearing the end of his rope, Ragna began to bring Noel down with increasing force and speed; the spike in the pitch and volume of voice left no doubt in his mind that this was not unwelcome. Then, at the apex of sexual release, the door to his room flew open. A white, nailed foot had kicked it down.

"Whoa!" said a voice from outside, "Damn, sorry, I didn't know!"

Ragna stared over Noel's bare shoulders at the door, dumbfounded. That foot and the shin it was attached to had eyes. His eye twitching, he shouted angrily, "WHAT THE FUCK. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF KNOCKING?" He lifted Noel off and set her aside on the bed. "Get dressed, or shower, or whatever," he added in undertone. He grabbed his jacket and threw it over himself, buttoning it to cover up. He stomped angrily into the living room to see a rather embarrassed looking Hakumen determinedly reading a large and dull looking book entitled, "Murokumo Unit Maintenance: Lambda Edition".

Hakumen slowly turned his head and said in a falsely cheery voice, "Ragna! There you are. Interesting book you've got here, have you read it all?" Ragna stared at Hakumen, his features painted with rage. "Uh, I guess not."

"Why. Are. You. Here," muttered Ragna dangerously.

Hakumen snapped his fingers and set the book aside. "Right, I was going to ask you something," he said, "I'm heading off to a bar right now. Tager will probably be there. I was interested in knowing if you wanted to come along."

Ragna was so surprised he forgot to look demonic. "What? A bar? I'm not much of a drinker Hakumen," he replied uneasily. He still couldn't fathom the fact that Hakumen had no interest in killing him…for the moment anyway.

Hakumen put his arm around Ragna's shoulder. "Come on now, Ragna," he said bracingly, "The misses can do without their husband for a night." Without another word, he marched Ragna towards the door.

"Hey! Asshole! I need to get dressed first!" said Ragna hotly. He broke free from Hakumen's grip and walked into his room. He stomped inside; Noel was holding the covers to bed over her chest.

"What's going on Ragna?" she asked timidly.

"Huh? Just going to a bar…with Hakumen," said Ragna. The words sounded odd coming out of his mouth. 'Never thought I'd say something like that,' he thought. He dressed quickly and gave Noel a swift kiss. "Well, off I go." He went back to the living room; Hakumen was waiting outside the front door. "Hang on." He excused himself from Lambda and Nu (Nu was quick to whisper a simultaneously terrifying and sensual threat into his ear about avoiding other women).

As the two walked off into one of the lower levels of Kagutsuchi, Ragna asked Hakumen why he was going to a bar in the first place. "Just to…relax? There's not really a real reason…" responded Hakumen, "I mean, does there really need to be? If you're worried about something though, there isn't anything up. I'm also pretty sure those three can take care of themselves."

"That wasn't what I was worried about," replied Ragna. Hakumen stopped walking and gestured to a door. They had arrived. Inside, Ragna found the bar to be…bland at best. Everything was wood-grained and stained the exact same way: dark, but the bar itself was at least well lit and the smell of smoke hung only faintly in the air. Seated on no less than six or seven stools was Tager.

"So, Hakumen and Mr. Reaper," greeted Tager, taking notice of them, "What's the occasion?"

Hakumen waved off the comment. "Nothing at all Tager," he replied, "Just out for the night." He beckoned the barkeep. It was Arakune of all people.

"Hey, Hakumen, what'll it be? The usual?" he asked in a mild tone. Hakumen nodded and held up two fingers, then gestured at Ragna. "Alright!" Horrifyingly discolored bones emerged from his shapeless black form and began filling two steins with amber liquid. He placed them in front of the two and with a flourish said, "Enjoy."

Ragna stared at Arakune and then looked down at the stein. 'It's not even worth getting worked up about at this point,' he thought miserably, 'I think coming to a bar was either the best or worst thing I've agreed to yet.' He picked up the mug and drank deeply from it; it tasted god awful, but he figured after a few more mugs that would hardly make a difference.

"So Tager, how's life at the lab?" asked Hakumen.

"Yeah, what is Kokonoe up to anyway?" chimed in Arakune.

"Oh," said Tager, taken by surprise, "Not much. She's still her irritable, sardonic self. A bit peeved…well, _very_ peeved at you, Ragna." Ragna looked over his stein at Tager and set it down.

"For…what?" he asked, "I haven't done shit. I fucking work for you guys. More or less anyway. For fuck's sake," he held up his left arm, "I owe her a damned favor. As much as I'd rather not."

Tager sighed in a sympathetic sort of way. "Yes, I know that, and believe me, she knows it too, but she's upset that you haven't brought Lambda in once since she started living with you. She's…interested in what changes she's made since she's been with you."

Ragna spluttered, sending ale everywhere. With a "tut-tut" noise, Arakune quickly set about cleaning the bar. "What the hell is she interested in? I haven't done anything that interesting with Lambda at all! Fuck, I haven't even read the stupid manual she gave me!"

Hakumen chuckled. "I'm sure you've done plenty of interesting things with Lambda," he mumbled over his mug. He took a sip and set the mug down. "With everyone in that household really."

Ragna looked away; he could he feel the edges of his cheeks growing warmer. "Like that's any of your damned business," he said irritably. Anger rising, he continued, "Actually, that reminds me! You owe me a door asshole! You can't just kick shit down when you want to! The thing was fucking locked! Why didn't you wait or knock or SOMETHING?"

Hakumen began to laugh in earnest. "Sorry, I just wanted to mess with you," he gasped between laughs, "Just for a goof. I'll pay you back for the door."

Ragna muttered irritably into his mug and drained the rest of it. "You better, asshole." He wiped his mouth. Arakune picked up the mug and gestured if he wanted more. After a moment's contemplation, Ragna nodded, and a fresh, foaming mug of ale was sitting in front of him.

Tager scratched his nose absently. "Right," he continued, "As I was saying Ragna, Kokonoe has some interest in how Lambda has developed since she's been living with you. Psychological evaluations are her primary interest, such as emotional development. She's also interested in how much she's advanced in coming to terms with her past in favor of enjoying the present."

Ragna almost scoffed. "Heh; it's Lambda, so I won't be a sarcastic dick about it Tager; there is some baggage there, but given how she acts in…situations… I'd say she's well on the road to recovery…" A pastiche of images flashed through Ragna's brain, all of them involving either Lambda making love to him or otherwise being affectionate.

Tager nodded. "What about Noel?" interjected Hakumen, "I'm rather interested in the Child of the Azure…"

Ragna stared at Hakumen. "Hakumen: the eighteenth century or the twenty-third century-pick one," he said shortly.

"Why does that ring a bizarre bell?" asked Tager.

Hakumen waved off the comment. "Just explain Ragna," he said.

"Uh. Noel is fine. In fact…everything is fine. That's what bothers me. I mean...Terumi…Saya…the Amaterasu Master Unit…" Ragna paused and contemplated his ale; suddenly, he perked up. "Tager! You might be able to explain this-Lambda and Nu…how are they both…"

"Ragna, I'm not talking about that marginally important stuff!" interrupted Hakumen, "I'm talking about _the_ important stuff."

"What? What the hell could be more important…" began Ragna.

"I think he's interested in her unmentionables Rags," said a voice.

Ragna spun on his stool and drew his sword. "Again? Don't you have other shit to do? Like...anything at all else to do? Even if it _is_ evil? I mean…for fuck's sake Terumi!"

Hazama grinned and sat down at the bar. "Don't get so angry now," he said calmly, "I'm here for a drink, just like the rest of you." Hazama gestured to Arakune. "The usual, but twice as strong." Arakune set a glass down in front of Hazama a moment later. It was smoking.

"What the hell is that?" asked Ragna, wide-eyed. "You're going to…drink that?" Hazama merely smiled and took a sip. "Dear God…"

Hazama smacked his lips in a satisfied sort of way. "Nice job Arakune," he said, "Way to make sure tomorrow is a delightfully hazy mess." Arakune gave him a thumbs up.

Ragana looked between the two. "What?" he asked.

"No need to worry," replied Arakune, "It's just a strong drink is all."

"How strong exactly?" asked Tager.

"You'll see soon enough," responded Arakune.

"Yes, you will," cut in Hazama, "Now, tell us Rags, you must be pretty smug eh? I wouldn't blame you."

Ragna was thoroughly confused. No one was angry at Hazama. Why? "Okay. First things first, why is…"

"No one angry at me?" finished Hazama, "Because this bar is neutral grounds. There's no antagonism or favoritism within its walls. It's an ancient ars magus that seems to have seeped into the very soil beneath this building. Anyone that tries to stir up trouble is immediately shot out of the bar through the roof. It's a rather…painful…experience."

Ragna sneered. "You would know wouldn't you?" he asked. To his surprise, Hazama nodded rather glumly. "Oh. Alright then…Second, what am I being smug about?"

Hazama shook his head in a condescending sort of way. "Really, Ragna? You _saw_ Mu-12. You _live_ with Noel. If what you say is to be believed, you fuck her on a _regular_ basis. You should know above anyone what we're talking about," explained Hazama.

Ragna looked back and forth amongst everyone. "What the hell, you want me to explain my _experiences_?"

Hakumen nodded. "Yeah. It's what we always do," he responded.

"What? Why? Why the hell would I explain something…personal…to you guys?" asked Ragna incredulously.

"Well, personally speaking, I just like hearing these kinds of stories," explained Hakumen, "Plus, I want to know if their personalities flip. I can definitely see that happening to Nu. Then again, I can see an awful lot of things happening with Nu…" He shook his head as if to shake away a bothersome insect. "Many of them are pretty creepy…"

Ragna rubbed his temples in an agitated manner. "How about I not tell you guys what they're like in bed and we talk about something else?"

Hakumen put an arm around Ragna. "Aw, don't be a stick in the mud Ragna," he said jovially, "I'm sure you've got some interesting stories."

"Yeah, it's the rule for being a part of this social group," interjected Arakune.

"But I don't…" began Ragna.

"Of course you do!" cut Hakumen, "Now, who should you tell us about today?"

"I'm rather interested in Noel," smirked Hazama, "Mu wasn't much of a talker." With a disgusted look, Ragna turned away from Hazam.

"Don't I get a say in…" began Ragna again.

"Of course not!" responded Hakumen cheerily, "Well, I'm interested in what goes on with Nu. Even if it is a little creepy…"

"Personally, I think any information I can gather on Lambda for Kokonoe would be best," said Tager evenly.

"How about a quick game of rock-paper-scissors to decide who the story is about?" asked Arakune.

"But I don't want to…" began Ragna futilely once more.

"Alright!" exclaimed Hazama, "ONE. TWO. THREE!" The moment the last number left his mouth, Hazama promptly collapsed forward onto the bar. With a shrug, Hakumen and Tager turned to each other and threw their choices. Hakumen chose scissors; Tager chose rock.

"Success!" exclaimed Tager, "Alright Mr. Grim Reaper, you've got no choice but to divulge more relevant information on Lambda's condition."

"Ah, but Tager, that wasn't what the game was for; we're here to listen to something more smutty and pointless," said Hakumen disappointedly, "Leave business for someplace else."

With a sigh Tager shrugged and drank deeply from his stein. "Hardly seems worth it to have beaten you in _janken_ then Hakumen," he said glumly.

Hakumen nudged Ragna in the side and said, "So, go on. Sexy details please Black Beast."

With a loud belch, Tager cut across Hakumen and Ragna. "But Hakumen…_hic_….I won the game, I think Kokonoe would be pleased if I could return to the lab with…_hic_…some data to use," mumbled Tager drunkedly.

Ragna stared at Tager. Was he actually _drunk_? Suddenly, the entire bar seemed to enter a strange wobbling haze and he felt his body swaying; he hadn't noticed it, but he'd drunk his way through six or seven steins of ale. "I thought…I thought getting drunk…was a gradual process…" he said to Hakumen, his voice taking on a thick slur.

Hakumen stared at Ragna and tried to put his hand on his shoulder, but instead caught empty air. "I forgosh to meanshun…our metabolishms…they procesh alcohol differenshly…" he said with a thick lisp.

"G-god…damn it…" murmured Ragna. The entire bar was spinning now. Now tottering over in his stool, he turned to look at the passed out Hazama sitting next to him. With a shaky finger he mumbled, "Lucky bastard…"

"BUT WHY MUST MY _GIGANTIC TAGER_ HAVE A ROCKET ATTACHED!" weeped Tager, "It's useless! Who the hell is interested in that kind of a terrible attachment?"

Hakumen clumsily patted Tager on the shoulder while sloppily drinking from his stein. "Ahh…ish okay buddy, I'm shure Kokonoe had a reashon," mumbled Hakumen bracingly, "Maybe shhhhhhhhhhhe likesh you."

Tager shakily wiped his eyes. "She's…_hic_…five feet something Hakumen…_hic_…I'd break her," he responded, swaying very visibly in his chair now, "Besides…_hic_…no one wants a monster like me…"

"Ahhhhh, don't say that Tager," blurted out Ragna without thinking, "Look at me. I'm the damn…damned Grim Reaper…" Ragna fell forward onto the bar, clinging to it for support and in hopes of keeping the room from spinning, "And I'm doing...okay for myself."

Tager nodded glumly and drank what might have been his fourteenth or so stein of ale. "Maybe…_hic_…maybe you're right…" he said resignedly.

"Come on," said Ragna, reaching over to Tager and falling flat onto Hakumen's lap, "I know what…what'll cheer…cheer you up."

"What…_hic_…will?" asked Tager, gazing unfocusedly at Ragna.

"There's this…this…song that Noel sings sometimes…around…around the house…" said Ragna, struggling to get his tongue to form words, "How…how's it go? Uh…" He hummed the tune… "I…I remember now…_Owari naki sekai ni hitori umareta…_"

Hakumen gave a thick chuckle, "I know thash shhhhhong…Ada…Ada shings it too. It goesh…_Oto mo naku kodou ga nami wo uchidasu no_."

Ragna laughed and got up, tottering dangerously on his stool, "You can't…can't carry a tune to sa…save your life Hakumen."

With a small grin, Tager gave Hakumen a massive pat on the back; his stool broke into pieces. "Thank.._hic_…you, both of you," he said with significantly more cheer. From the floor Hakumen gave him a shaky thumbs up.

Ragna lost track of time in the laughter and drunken singing, particularly around three a.m. when Bang showed up singing "_Omae no Tettsui ni Kugi wo Ute"_ at the top of his lungs. When asked about why he was singing that song, Bang responded by bursting into tears. Through his drunken, thick sobs, Ragna could only make out the word "Litchi".

* * *

Day 21

Ragna shook his head. It was still pounding. He looked about. He was in Orient Town, and it was about 4 p.m. Lambda, Noel and Nu were nowhere in sight. Without warning, he felt something soft collide with his back as legs and arms wound themselves around his body. Ragna smirked in spite of himself. "Hi Nu," he said.

With a squeal of happiness Nu kissed Ragna happily on the cheek. "Nu is happy to see you," she said cheerily. Ragna turned around and saw Lambda and Noel looking rather exasperated and jogging up to the two.

"Damn it Nu, did you have to run?" asked Noel.

"How are you feeling Ragna?" asked Lambda quietly.

"Huh?" responded Ragna, "Oh, just fine actually. My head hurts and what not, but at least I'm not puking everywhere." He looked to his left, where Nu was busy rubbing her cheek against his. "Nu, you're helping me fix the door."

"What? But why Ragna?" asked Nu, her face falling.

"Because it's full of fucking holes!" he said, his temper flaring, "Honestly, why the fuck can't we keep normal doors in the house? Something always has to happen to them!"

Nu frowned and nodded. "Nu is sorry Ragna…"

"Whatever, let's go eat…" he said, shaking his head.

**GAG ENDING!  
**

Hakumen gagged and clawed at his mask. Nearby, Ada stood, laughing heartily. "Are you alright dear?" she asked amusedly.

"THROWING UP WHILE WEARING A MASK IS A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE FEELING!" screamed Hakumen, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET IT OFF!"

* * *

Hazama woke up at the bar and looked blearily around. "Where the hell am I?" he asked quietly. Dazedly, he walked outside and beamed at the sight before him: an entire pile of boiled eggs. Gleefully, he jumped into it and began rolling merrily around in them. "YES! YES! YES!"

Onlookers stared with confusion and fright; a creepy man in a dark suit was rolling about in a pile of trash…

* * *

Tager stomped into Kokonoe's office. With an irritated sigh, Kokonoe turned about and looked at Tager haughtily. "What do you want Tager? I'm busy?"

With a mighty flex and pelvic thrust Tager shouted, "Kokonoe! It's time we test out the capabilities of my GIGANTIC TAGER!"

And so _this_ couple learned _Kokonoe_ is _incredibly _sturdy_._

_

* * *

_

**Holy crap, that took forever to write. Sorry for the delay I've been astoundingly busy and suffering from writer's block. I'm on spring break for a week, hopefully I'll update just a teeny bit faster now. Or maybe not…Until next time!**


	7. Day 28: Weather Ars Failure

**Author's Note: Gah, I didn't update faster at all. Sorry devoted readers, I'm rather busy with everything I do, and sometimes it's easier just to shoot people online than type a story at the end of the day.**

Day 28

Ragna awoke, his forehead and back damp with sweat. The sheets to his bed had been kicked off by several pairs of uncomfortably hot legs during the night, but at the moment, only he occupied his mattress. He got to his feet and wiped the sweat from his brow. "Fuck, it's so damned hot," he whined, "I hope there's something good in the fridge…" He walked out of the bedroom and into the living room; Noel was fanning herself on the couch, wearing a white tank-top and plain underwear. Ragna stopped for a moment and stared. "You usually don't wear panties…why are you wearing them now?" he asked bemusedly.

"It's hot…" she said faintly, "That's why."

Ragna stared and blinked once. "Whatever," he muttered. He poured himself a bowl of cereal and walked over to the fridge. He opened it and stared inside; with a sigh he rubbed his face and said dully, "Get out of there Nu."

Nu's eye blinked open and she shuffled about in the fridge. "Close the blanket Ragna," she whined, "It's getting hot…"

"That doesn't even make sense!" said Ragna exasperatedly. Ragna tried to pull Nu out of the fridge, but her resistance was firm. "Damn it, you can't stay in the fridge!"

"Ragna! Stop it! Nu's hot!" she whined again, "Stop or Nu's gonna stab you!"

Ragna scoffed. "Just get out of the fridge already!" he said angrily. Nu pulled her weight into the fridge and waved a hand erratically at Ragna. The sound of ripping flesh followed by the steady drip of blood rang out. Ragna stared dully at Nu; there was a sword impaled through his chest. Ragna coughed and straightened up. "Fine, if you're going to be a child about it, I'm just going to put the food on top of and around you. He shuffled the food about, setting containers, produce and wrapped food on her body, before balancing an orange on top of her head. He shut the door and sat down at the table with an annoyed look on his face. With a grumble, he picked up his spoon and began to shovel cereal into his mouth.

Noel walked dazedly into the kitchen and sat down at the table next to him; "Why are you looking so angry this morning, Ragna? Is something wrong?"

Ragna stared at Noel. "Yeah," he said dryly, "It's hot and I've got this stuck in my chest." He pointed at the sword still impaled through his body. Noel flinched back with a look of stunned horror on her face.

"Oh God! We need to get that out of you right now!" she said, flailing her arms, "Um, um, um, Lambda! Lambda! I need your help!"

Lambda walked into the kitchen quietly; she was dressed in a short, orange, flowing sundress and a large straw hat. Noel was briefly distracted by her appearance. "Aren't you hot in that?" she asked. Ragna privately wondered this as well.

Lambda shook her head. "I feel just fine," she droned. Noel asked why; Lambda responded plainly, "I spent a few years in a burning hot cauldron. Temperatures like these are hardly any bother."

Noel looked at Ragna who stared back. The two looked simultaneously at the fridge. "Why isn't Nu like that then?"

Lambda stared between the two and shrugged. "All analysis proves inconclusive," she said flatly.

"Well then," said Ragna, slowly pulling the sword impaled through him casually out of his chest, "I'm going to shower then, because I think there's a slight chance that the hot water is cooler than the air in the room right now."

Ragna walked out of the shower impaled-sword-in-chest-free a few minutes later. After a cool shower, the entire apartment felt even hotter. "This is just…terrible," he muttered. He dressed lightly and walked back into the living room; Lambda was placidly sitting on the couch, a box of slugs in her lap. "Uh, Lambda? Where're Noel and Nu?" asked Ragna.

Lambda looked up from her slugs and said in monotone, "Nu continues to sit in the fridge. Noel has shifted into the closet."

Ragna stared. "The closet? What the hell is she doing in the closet?" he asked. Lambda merely shrugged. He walked over to closet and opened it tentatively. Noel sat inside, wrapped in a comforter, a laptop sitting on the ground in front of her. Ragna blinked. "What the fuck? What are you doing Noel?"

Noel looked up blearily at Ragna. "Don't open it," she said softly. From the living room, Ragna heard Lambda say aloud, "Hah. Reference."

"What are you doing in here?" he asked incredulously, "You look like a shut-in."

Noel drew the comforter tighter around her body, "I shop online so I don't have to deal with people. I've told you."

Lambda drifted serenely over to the two and said quietly, "If we dwell any longer on this sequence we risk legal action."

Ragna stared at Lambda. "What? What are you talking about?" he asked, still more confused. He shook his head vigorously, "Whatever! Noel, get out of there! Time to come back to reality!" Noel shook her head in protest and whined. Ragna rolled his eyes and shut the door. "Fine, have it your way." He sighed and looked at Lambda, "I'm going out. Wanna come along?" Lambda nodded.

* * *

The streets of Kagutsuchi were somewhat more vacant than usual; perhaps the intense heat was keeping people inside or near bodies of water. Ragna wandered aimlessly amidst the streets with Lambda, seeking the shade cast by buildings whenever he could. As he rounded a corner, he heard a voice behind him call out angrily, "HEY! PEDOPHILE!"

Ragna turned around angrily. "Oh no, not you…" he moaned, "It's too hot for this Luna!"

"What the hell are you doing out here?" she sneered. She noticed Lambda. "Who's this? Did you kidnap her or something?"

Ragna rubbed his face in an irritated sort of way. "No, I did not. Introduce yourself Lambda," he sighed.

Lambda bowed and said quietly, "I am the eleventh Prime Field Interface Device, otherwise known as Lambda-11. You can just call me Lambda for short."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "You have the most monotone voice ever! I'm gonna fall asleep just listening to you!" Her voice changed suddenly. "Luna! That's a terrible thing to say!" Luna gesticulated wildly, "Shut up Sena! Just listen to her! If paint drying had a voice, it would be hers!"

Lambda looked down sadly, "I apologize for my trouble emoting."

Ragna felt his heart melt. "Damn it! Look what you did!" he said angrily, embracing Lambda.

Luna looked taken aback and then revolted. "Ew, are you dating her you pedophile?" Luna slapped him.

Lambda stared at Luna. "I would suppose that given your stereotypical façade you would be interested in someone like him," she droned analytically, "You're going against accepted convention in this case."

"What're you talking about Lambda?" asked Ragna, confused.

Luna seemed to have picked up on what Lambda meant, however, as she said heatedly, "Shut up! I have more counters than you! That's why it doesn't work!"

Lambda raised an eyebrow this time and said monotonously, "We have the same number of primers."

Luna disregarded this. "Where's the whiny one? It'd be funnier with her here! You're so boring you suck the fun out of everything!" she said waspishly.

Lambda looked at the ground sadly once more. "Damn it Luna!" shouted Ragna, "I'm gonna enjoy this! HELL'S!" Ragna's fist began to glow black as he drew it back and he launched himself forward.

Luna stepped to the side and tripped Ragna, who crashed heavily into a wall. "Ew! Get away from me you pedophile!" she said disgustedly. She blew a raspberry at him.

At this moment, a figure jumped between the two. "Hey! What the hell do you two kids think you're doing?" it asked coarsely.

Ragna looked up dazedly; it was Jubei. "M-master? What are you doing here?" he asked. Luna's squeal of joy drowned out Ragna's question however, as she flung herself at him and hugged him. Ragna got to his feet and rubbed his head. Lambda walked up next to him and gave him a hug.

"Ragna, what the hell are you doing fighting out here against Luna?" asked Jubei testily.

Ragna rolled his eyes. "Luna is just being…herself I guess," he explained evenly, "And it's pissing me off." Luna stuck her tongue out at him. "Like when she does that."

Luna narrowed her eyes. "I thought I told you stay away from Mr. Jubei!" she said angrily.

Ragna fired up at once. "Hey! I'll do whatever I fucking want! I could kick your ass in a heartbeat!"

Luna threw open her arms. "TRY IT!" she shouted.

"Fine! Let's see you deal with this!" shouted back Ragna.

Jubei turned to Lambda and said quickly, "We should calm them down."

Lambda nodded and said quietly, "You take the angry one." Jubei laughed. Lambda laughed once and turned to walk towards Ragna. Jubei stared after Lambda; she only laughed once? Lambda stood in front of Ragna and pushed his chest gently. "Ragna, calm down please," she said politely. Ragna looked down at Lambda and moved her gently aside.

"You wanna see a magic trick, bitch? Restriction 666 released. Dimensional interference field deployed! Engaging the Idea Engine! Azure Grimoire, activate!" shouted Ragna.

Lambda poked Ragna idly in the side. With a huff he turned to Lambda and said hastily, "What?"

"Ragna, current analysis indicates bodily luminescence and gravitational field interference have been raised and tampered with," she recited mechanically.

Ragna looked puzzled. "So, uh…what?"

Lambda rolled her eyes and said, "You're making me float and glow." She reached down and held her dress down between her legs so it wouldn't fly up. "Please stop that."

Ragna smiled sheepishly and deactivated the Grimoire. "Sorry Lambda," he mumbled.

"Hey!" shouted Luna, "Weren't you in the middle of something?" She raised her fists.

Ragna looked for a moment at Luna and then turned back to Lambda. "Let's go; no sense wasting time here," he murmured.

Luna looked shocked. "Traitor!" she yelled at his retreating back.

Jubei tapped Luna on the head. "Leave him be kid," he said evenly, "He's got more important things to deal with than petty fights."

* * *

On their way home, the pair ran into another acquaintance in the form of vampire. "So, the siblings are out for a walk, are they?" asked Rachel in her usual bored manner.

Ragna turned around in time to see her stepping out of a portal elegantly. He rolled his eyes, "We're not even that related!"

"She is a clone of your sister, and so that doll is also your sister," she needled.

Ragna threw his hands up. "Why is everyone so hell-bent on insulting Lambda today? She's still a person you know!"

Rachel gave a tinkling, maddening laugh. "A person? Hah. Makes my blood run cold."

Ragna looked taken aback. "You have blood?" he asked. Rachel stopped laughing and stared angrily at Ragna. He quailed quickly and said reluctantly, "Alright, alright, I take it back. I apologize, Swami." He gave a mock bow.

A look of idle contempt crossed Rachel's face. "Don't compare me to a gypsy, you dog," she said irritably. With an abrupt turn she walked through a freshly created portal and left.

Lambda patted Ragna apologetically on the back. "You just can't get a break today can you?" she asked quietly.

Ragna sighed and shook his head. "Let's go have sex…" he mumbled. Lambda blushed.

* * *

Lambda felt her hair sticking to her face. Her body was slick with sweat, giving it a glossy sheen. Ragna hovered over her, sliding quickly in and out of her. The abandoned store they had found (that "happened" to be open) was silent save for their soft panting and the slick sounds of their lovemaking. Lambda moved her head up to meet Ragna's lips and kissed him passionately. With a grunt of exertion, Ragna rolled onto the table they were using and moved Lambda on top of him. Lambda threw her head back and bounced atop him with more force; she reached down with her hands and entwined her fingers with his. Ragna felt himself nearing release and sat up abruptly; he clamped his hands on her waist and began to slam her down with increasing speed and force. Lambda's moans increased in pitch, and she bent herself forward to kiss him once more. With a final thrust, Ragna released himself into her.

* * *

The pair stumbled clumsily into their apartment a short while later and found Nu and Noel lying naked on the couch. Ragna stared at the two. "I'm going to guess…that you two were really hot," he said uneasily.

Noel looked at Ragna and held her arms out limply towards him. "Ragna…the air conditioner doesn't work…and the fridge broke…" she panted.

Nu lifted an arm lazily and then dropped it. "What…Noel…said…" she gasped. Ragna rubbed his face wearily.

"This is one of the few times Jin would actually be useful…" he muttered.

"BROTHER! DID YOU CALL ME! DID YOU SAY I CAN BE…USEFUL!" shouted Jin ecstatically, erupting from the hall closet. "LET ME COOL YOU OFF BROTHER!"

"NO NO NO NO! JIN! I WAS JUST…" began Ragna. The rest of his retort was lost however, as the apartment abruptly erupted with ice crystals.

Frozen in place next to him, Lambda looked to Ragna and said quietly, "You started it."

Ragna sighed. "Don't remind me…"

* * *

**And that's the end of that chapter! I'm sorry for the MASSIVE delay. I've been busy and suffering from writer's block. That should change (the writer's block I mean) in the coming weeks, as my friend and I brainstorming again. Also, are any of you interested in an FAQ chapter? I'm not sure if there are any questions concerning what I've written and whatnot, so if you do have some questions or anything, leave it in the review section (if it's a really long question, drop me a PM then.) I try to get feedback and clarify my writing so it remains accessible and whatnot, which is why I bring this up. I'll probably write it using the characters to keep the chapter from being too technical.**

**Until then, ta!**


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